Wanye Gretz’s Playoff Analysis™ Round One: SJ vs CGY


We predicted San Jose would win in six games and got chirped by something called a “flame-on-oil.” So in the absence of having any real work to do, here’s why that’s going to occur in short order.


First off, here’s a graph in Spanish that shows how bad the Flames really are. You can see that over time they were briefly decent in 1988 and again in 2004. But not that good, as the y-axis indicates.


Why the Sharks will win

Because they always lose in the second round of the playoffs. Not the first. Since the 1999–00 season the Sharks have made the playoffs six out of seven years (we can’t help wonder what that would be like). Of those six playoff years, they’ve advanced to the second round five times. If you’re planning on beating the Sharks, you have to play them in the second round. They have a combined record of 10–20 in the second round since 1999–00, winning only once against the Avs in 2004. But in the first round, they have a pretty decent record of advancing.

Why the Flames won’t win

You know the eternal debate between Flames Fans and Oilers fans where Oilers fans say “Calgary only has one Cup, the Oilers have five”? You know how most Flames Fans then tell you to “stop living in the past blah blah blah”?

Well here’s a little secret from your old pal Wanye that you can use the next time they start with that: the Flames have been to the second round of the playoffs ONCE in the past 15 years. Yup. Once since 1992–93. The Oilers have advanced three times as often since then.

Oh, and the Flames will also lose because they are out-gunned, out-manned and WAAAAAAY out-coached by San Jose.


Harvey the Hound


Harvey the Hound scares small children. Is that inspirational? No.

SJ Sharkie


Sharkie dated Christina Aguilera for a short time in the mid-‘90s and rolls with celebrities. Having been detongued by MacT, Harvey would have little to offer X-Tina.

Mascot Advantage: Sharks.

So there you have it. Proof positive the Flames won’t beat the Sharks in Round One.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    hahaha, awesome!!!! I guess I shoulda studied more, then I could be good at mexican graphs!!! I am counting the days till the lames are golfing. I too picked San Jose in the first round (5 games). How was the ski trip?

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Sharks in five, huh? I'd prefer Sharks in four, but I'm a realist. It's virtually a certainty the Lames'll sneak one or two past the Sharks.

    The skiing was great, Milli. Snow was a little stiff in the mornings, but we were too hung over to be up early anyhow!

  • I'm a Scientist!

    My spanish may be flawed, but the graph title doesn't equal the graph data. What's the english translation of the spanish 1999? Is it something like…1979?

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Ah si, el grapho es mislabelled-o. I'd fix it but… Well, it's an image. And I'm a lazy lazy man whose photo-editing laptop is about 5 kilometers east of my current location.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    There's even more fun to be had at the expense of flame-on-oil:

    "That being said, there is absolutely no way that San Jose will knock Calgary out of the playoffs on Calgary ice."
    – Flame-on-oil

    Ok, we concede. SJ won't sweep, they'll just take the series in 5 games, on SJ ice. Does that salvage your Calgarian pride?

  • I'm a Scientist!


    I can be reached at the email address that Spin Cycle posted. I can also be reached in person at Diamonds Gentleman's Club where I perform on Amateur Wednesdays at 830 PM each and every week under the name "Abs McGee"