Might sound funny, but we’re thinking Oilers


Dagnabbit, there’s been far too much talk about other teams here lately.

This is the OilersNation, not the teams-still-in-the-playoffs Nation. We were lying on a cardboard bed underneath the Highlevel Bridge last night, trying to sleep off our Sunday binge, and we got to thinking. If we were Kevin Lowe, what’s on the top of our “To Do” list when we roll into the office Monday morning? You know  he has something to do every day. He doesn’t take many off our K-Lowe, does he?

For us it would be…

  1. Sign Horcoff
  2. Find goal scorer and acquire using Stoll, Torres, Roloson, Anaheim Draft pick as bait
  3. Mail Brian Burke a box of toe nails
  4. Send Mr & Mrs Gagner a thank you letter for raising their son so effectively
  5. Buy and hang 1,523 mirrors at Oilers head office to ready for the return of Craig Simpson

What do you think should be on this list?

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Spray down Jarret Stoll's space with Fabreze

    Buy case of Chapstick for Gagner negotiations

    Arrange one-way, open-ended air ticket for Jarret Stoll

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Send a good luck card to Gator – he's on another average team with one superstar that could sneak into the SCF.

    Re-sign the Electric Norseman in the summer – this guy is one tough cookie!

    I love Matty's idea of Norton – can you imagine?

    Extend Garon – this guy will give us 55+ quality starts a year

    Remind the new owner to celebrate the Oilers' roots in the WHA – we are the only club to flourish and survive the 1979 merger. Hang a '79 league championship banner, have WHA nights against Carolina, Phoenix and Colly, bring back some old-timers. I know, this is coffee break stuff, but it's fun.

    I still think we need Pitkanen. If he is leaving, we need a nasty stay-at-home hitting machine. Our team toughness went WAY up when the forechecking maniac Glencross came over from Columbus.

    Oilers hockey = 2 forecheckers, speed through the neutral zone, team toughness and big time 3rd period goaltending. and a little magic. We've got most of the pieces, except the team toughness. Our tough guys now are brittle.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Buy 15,390 bottles of Rexall Brand Pain Killers to show new boss that you have his back, and are prepared to listen to his ideas no matter how painful

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Arrange farewell office party for Pat Laforge.

    Send out staff email making attendance mandatory at Pat Laforge office party.

    Buy 3 cases air sickness bags.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Offer free agent contract, have wife over rule, watch free agent's career slide with other team and get divorced within 2 years because career is in decline.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Mysteriously, Sheldon Souray crippled, can never play hockey again, goes on LTI, thereby giving Oilers 5.5M in capspace.

    Sign Hossa.

    Torres decides he's rather have a career as a sandwich artist, agrees to have his contract town up.

    Gilbert and Greene both have breakout campaigns for Team USA, both jump another two spots on the Oilers depth charts as a result.