Staal scores, Staal wins. Staal also loses, Staal Parents declare Kobayashi Maru


In Rod Phillips’ personal hell, the goalie is being pulled and the six skaters on the ice are as follows: Jared Staal, Marc Staal, Jordan Staal, Eric Staal, Jarret Stoll and Jared Toll. Let’s see poor Uncle Rod battle through the last 30 seconds of a game with that squad on the ice.

You can almost hear the screaming.

In any event, the Staal brothers battled it out over the weekend, and Jordan currently holds a 2–0 lead over Marc and the Rangers. The Pens are The Real Deal, battling back from a 3–0 deficit in Game 1 and putting the brakes on Jagr and company in Game 2. One has to imagine that there is little joy in Thunder Bay, home of the Staal family this Monday morning because:

They live in Thunder Bay—Right next to Nowhere, Ontario (see image below). If we were the parents Staal, we would lean on our three no-good, rich-boy sons in the NHL to move us somewhere with a little more action. Like say, oh Timmins, Ontario. If nothing else, for the nightlife.


They are in a lose-lose scenario—Scenario one: Jordan and Pens win—Marc is inconsolable and joins Eric in the “crying shed” on the family farm. Scenario two: Marc and the Rangers win, Jordan shows why he was called “Mr. Pee-Pants-Cry-Baby” around the house as a child.

Henry and Linda Staal face the Kobayashi Maru and have a decision to make. Let the series play itself out, and watch the Staal family home burned to the ground by the losing son. OR force the boys off the ice and into the basement for some nice hot cocoa before they start fighting with one another. ‘Cause believe me, it won’t always be this lame when these kids decide to battle it out:

It’s the Kobayashi Maru.

It’s the Pens and the Rangers.

Its Staal vs Staal, and this time its for real.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Ed –

    Its a spaceship referenced in Star Trek as part of a test at the Starfleet Academy. The Kobayashi Maru simulation is an unwinnable situation that cadets must face.

    HENCE the Kobayashi Maru faced by the Parents Staal is similar to that faced by James T. Kirk. They are both at the Starfleet Academy, both are wanting to graduate as cadets and both have a brood of ne'er do well professional athlete sons competing against one another.

    I think that is pretty clear

  • I'm a Scientist!

    The Staal's actually own and run a sod farm in Thunder Bay. They make the kids work on it until they're drafted (take that child labour laws!). Poor Jared. He's now all alone.

    Maybe they'll sell the farm and move once the little Staal is drafted.

    Also, replace Jared Toll with former NHLer Kim Staal.