A tearful goodbye


The Oilers took the time to hold a press conference on Friday to announce that they were officially giving up on Dany Heatley. The “GM” of the Oilers Steve Tambellini gave us all a good laugh proposing this team has what it takes to make the playoffs and gently suggested we all say goodbye to our dreams of Heatley lighting the lamp in Copper and Blue. This was easily the hardest goodbye of our long weekend, until Sunday when our car was broken into and our BlackBerry was stolen.

Yes, this was a lovely long weekend in the City of Champions. Nice weather, 2 days of debauchery followed by 2 days of doing sweet eff all of value to society. But in many ways it was also a somber time as we were forced to say good bye to these two important parts of our life.

Saying goodbye to Dany Heatley


If anything this final, final, FINAL press conference should provide some real closure to the OilersNation faithful.

Brownlee has said it: “The best thing for the Oilers is that this deal stays undone. Heatley isn’t the answer.”

Willis has said it: “There’s still tomorrow.”

Gregor has said it: “Enough is enough.”

hemmertime said it: “I feel dirty and used, I need a shower.”

Dany Heatley has said it: <insert silence borne of mental illness here>

And now finally Tambo himself has said it:  “We wanted to give it an allotted amount of time, but we can’t wait any longer.”

And so for one final time: Screw off Dany Heatley. We can’t decide if we hate you more or less than Chris Pronger, but we have decided that we are now cheering for your career to end in horrific injury.

Saying goodbye to our BlackBerry


Ah sweet BlackBerry. We hardly knew ye – having been together with your cutting edge goodness less than 3 months. Our old model stares at us from the shelf on which it sits, smug in the knowledge its outdated ass will soon be back in the game. Why someone took the time to pinch you out of our car we will never know. Laden with ringtones, twitterberry and enough pictures to lauch a rival to flickr – they must have been sadly dismayed to find you password protected. Let it be known BlackBerry thief – you have 3 kicks at the cat. If you can’t crack our password by the third attempt, the berry shall wipe itself clean and you Sir/Madam are screwed.

The worst part about having our blackberry stolen? Never mind that it also took all our contacts, messenger PINs and email addresses. Never mind that we haven’t had to remember a phone number in almost 8 years. Never mind the girls of dubious standards we can never contact again now that we have lost their numbers. It damn near makes us cry to think that when we are buckled at 3 AM this weekend we shan’t have a single girl to harass the world in the hopes they let down their defensive shields and beam aboard the NCC-WG4.

No, the worst part of it all is losing the kick ass game of World Series of Poker we had going. Like a really, really good game. You start against 5000 competitors and you get $1500. We had been playing for a couple of weeks and were down to only 300 competitors. Think we can rebuild this any time soon? Hell no.

But Wanye – why are you wasting our time telling us all of this?


Because you cold hearted sons of bitches – the Nation is the only medium of communication we have left at our disposal. We don’t carry around phone numbers or email addresses. We don’t have a home phone or a fax machine. What year is this? 1994?

No, we are going to have to live our entire life over OilersNation until we can put the pieces back together. The following (in no particular order) are the messages we need to get out this afternoon. Hopefully our pals take a look and are able to respond in a timely fashion:

A.H: Are we still on for that meeting later this afternoon? We can’t recall what time it was (it’s on the calendar on the berry) but odds are we won’t be able to attend anyway due to another meeting that arose this morning so you may have to go without us.

M.A: We have to pick up those ACDC tickets and we apologize for not meeting up with you yesterday. You have to forgive us for not calling, we lacked both your number and the means to contact you.

N.P: We are sorry that we didn’t send you our daily email at 3 AM to info@natalieportman.com. We know you must become accustomed to some of our 1,304,302 messages we have sent you in the past 7 years – and we don’t want to alarm you in the least about our safety. We are just fine and soon enough we will be back in the game and able to send volley after volley of drunken love sonnets in your direction.

And finally a quick message to the easily tricked Ladies of Edmonton and surrounding area.

That’s right Ladies. The little black book hath been wiped clean and the field is now wide open. Those seeking a spot on our 3 AM text message rotation can email photographs and descriptions to wanyegretz@gmail.com

We may have to respond to you on the comments section of this article, but we will review all applications in a timely manner and potential candidates will be contacted directly.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    THEreds too many cfukcing lossers in hsti cyty . I hda crackheada broeak in my acr anf tokk a all my dhit .
    SHolud moe v SEAN HORCOFF no leftwoing in 4th lien . Hesuseless ` im, tired fo see ing his shttoiy shot .

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Tencer and Balsillie are both excellent suspects, that makes me suspicious, they're a little too obvious. If there is one thing I've learned by waisting my free time in front of the tv, is that there is always a plot twist and the guilty party is the one you least suspect. Wayne, I think you better start looking really closely to those around you as this may only be step one in a sinister plot against you. (I would keep a close eye on Brownlee and Gregor- those guys are way too respected/ connected to be hanging around the likes of these message boards.)

  • I'm a Scientist!

    ronaldo wrote:

    (I would keep a close eye on Brownlee and Gregor-

    That's ridiculous.
    And Wanye, that file folder "Tea-bagging with Dirty Girtie" is selling like hotcakes. F*cking twisto.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Tough break man. I usually go through like 2 crackberrys a year. Either they get wet, smashed or the f'n trackball stops working due to dust from earning a living outside.

    Although, to back it up all you have to do is plug it into the comp & run the desktop software. The biggest reason for getting the crackberry for myself was the pain of programming the 200 phone numbers into the old flip then having to replace it again.

    The ability to wipe the device clean remotely would be an awesome feature though. You need blackberry enterprise server to be able to do that. Sounds like some of the hackers on here could build an app & sell it for big bucks to give ordinary joe the ability to do it w/o BES.

    A couple of $ services can let you send 'kill' codes to your crackberry though. I haven't tried either of them.

    mobilesky.com is free, but updates are not by the looks of things.

    spritesoftware.com is another. Sprite Terminator costs $15.

    PS: Who the F*CK is Dany Heatley. I have sent a kill code to my brain to erase the fact we ever made a 'trade' for him….

  • I'm a Scientist!

    I thought my blackberry pearl was stolen once so I went and bought a new "Bold" for about $400. I then found the sh!tty pearl in my golf bag. It had slipped into an empty golf ball sleeve. I say good riddance.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    smiliegirl15 wrote:

    Wanye Gretz wrote:
    People have hung for less.
    Since posters on here seem to like to know…
    People are hanged; pictures are hung.

    That isn't about Natalie Portman.

    DizzyD wrote:

    Hate to be an a$$, but really. DON’T LEAVE YOUR PHONE IN YOUR CAR!!!

    DIZZYD! Don't you think I know that?! Where were you in the wee hours of Monday morning to remind me then?


    @ Robin Brownlee:

    I know that you aren't a suspect. You would take one look at the keyboard of a BlackBerry, decide there are too many keys for your liking, remove half of them with pliers until it was a more manageable number and then tell someone off cause your phone doesn't work.

    During this time 8 cigars would have met their untimely end.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Wanye Gretz wrote:

    During this time 8 cigars would have met their untimely end.

    Well, we might not be close to solving the Wayne Blackberry Fiasco of 2009, but at least we now know who stole Curtis Stock's cigar. Your secret is safe with us Robin. Not enough golf talk for Curtis at this site.


  • I'm a Scientist!

    smiliegirl15 wrote:

    Wanye Gretz wrote:

    People have hung for less.
    Since posters on here seem to like to know…
    People are hanged; pictures are hung.

    People can be hung. It's just not a verb.

    ex. "Wanye is hung like a wombat."

  • I'm a Scientist!

    […] loss suffered by your hero Kay-Z. Plus we can figure out why they fire off so many fireworks.” Not having a BlackBerry to keep us entertained, we agreed to […]

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Comments are moderated. Pretend your mom is reading over your shoulder.

    That’s twisted… why would I want to pretend that my mom is reading over my shoulder as I sympathize with Wayne’s REAL tragedy – the inability to stay in remote touch with loose girls!
    But judging from the comments, both the Nation and the Nation’s moms can probably barely read.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Natalie's was here, Wayne. She said she only had until 5:13pm to see you though before her flight left. She actually was very confused as to why you didn't respond to all her messages she had you sent today. You told her to get a hold of you on your Blackberry if she ever decided to go to Edmonton on a whim, right??

    Anyway, I didn't read the story above…just wanted to send this message to you. (I'm sure it was a great story and all, though)

    By the way, Natalie is really mad at you…something about never believeing a word you say again no matter how many messages you send her…blah, blah, blah…but I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure everything between you guys will be back to normal again soon.


  • I'm a Scientist!

    I should have said all her messages she had sent YOU…

    She's boarding the plane now, if only I knew what you might say I could pass it along before she left and all…but, oh well.

    And don't worry, Wayne, I'm gonna read your story after she leaves.

    Hmmm, 'A Tearful Good-bye', some coincidence because she just won't stop crying as she's leaving! It looks like a good story, too, about Pat Quinn and nothing else, well, nothing else that would help me out in my perdicament with Natalie and how upset you've made her, Wayne. I still can't believe you did that!

    Don't worry, she's still looking around in case you show up, though, just in case.

    ….and she's gone. 'kay, now I'm gonna read your story.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    @ Wanye Gretz:

    Hmmmmm…where was I monday morning…not sure if that was the day I was out stealing cell phones from cars…

    p.s. did you try one of them very convincing stickers you can get from the cop shop? goes something along the lines of "all valuables have been removed from this vehicle"…. lol 🙂