Connor, with today being your 21st birthday, I wanted to send my best wishes to you and hope that you have enough energy to party after carrying this franchise on your back.
Since you deserve better than what this season has provided you, I want you to go out and have a great time tonight. I can’t control whether or not some of the other guys on the team have fun by proxy, but just know that you’re the one that really deserves it.
Since you’re doing your 21st in Vegas, I wanted to pass along a few broke ass blogger tips to help you celebrate:
1. Look, I know you’ve got more money than you’ll ever need coming your way but that doesn’t mean you have to be foolish with your cash. Send one of the boys over Walgreens to stock up on cheap cold ones. I don’t care who you are, some of the beer prices can be flat out larceny.
2. If you’re planning on drinking one of those giant alcoholic Slurpee things that you see people walking around with, go for a citrus flavour. The other ones are way too sweet and you’ll end up getting sick for sure. One time I got a vodka cherry Slurpee thing and it was so sweet that I couldn’t handle it. I almost puked in the fountains at the Bellagio (I got to an alley). Nothing ruins a fountain show quite like bright red projectile vomit that’s spraying the crowd. Trust me on this one.
3. Three words: It’s Britney, bitch.
4. Egg Slut is at the Cosmo. Every. Single. Day.
5. If any of the boys are looking for a mature companion then I recommend taking them to see David Copperfield. I went a few years back with Miss Milk and the inlaws and there were decked out cougs on the prowl at every turn. If a group of you guys walk into that room the pheromones will lure them to you like a moth to a flame. Anyone that’s been will know I’m not joking.
6. If you’re planning on grabbing a lapper while you’re in town just know that the one song will cost you at least a Benjamin and they’ll never play the whole thing. If those don’t get you the $20 double rum and cokes certainly will.
7. There are B12 shots available pretty much everywhere. You’ll thank me on this one. I know how wasted I’ve been in Vegas and I’ve only got blogger money, so I’m assuming that you boys are going to get ladder match funked up and Tylenol may not be able to handle it. All I’m saying is that you should be open to the B12 shots. Not into it? I get that. More of an Oxygen Bar and a coconut water kind of guy, I bet.
8. I know you went to Vegas last year for the NHL Awards but I still feel the need to remind you that there are giant Carrot Top billboards hanging around and they can be jarring if you’re not expecting them. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
9. Bloody Marys are breakfast enough.
10. You pasty hockey boys better think about buying some sunscreen while you’re there. We can’t have you guys flaking up the plane home after torching yourself in the Vegas sun. All I’ll say is don’t do what I did and accidentally buy glittery sunscreen. First I think I’m being smart by buying sunscreen and a minute later I’m glowing like a beacon in the sun.
11. You may think this is ridiculous but you should go to Planet Hollywood just to see Shaq’s shoe. I know how stupid that sounds but seeing one of those babies up close will change your life.
12. Everyone loves talking about the strip, but for me, Freemont Street is where it’s really at. The booze is cheaper, the weirdos are plentiful, and there are all kinds of sketchy street vendors to hook you up with whatever you’re after. Legal things, of course.
13. Worried about being in the desert and not seeing rain? I don’t know why you’d worry about that, but I’ve got a solution for you anyway.
I know you don’t need me to have a good time in Vegas, it’s kinda the whole point that city exists, but I hope you can still learn from my mistakes. At the end of the day, I’m just here to help you get through this night as much as you’re helping us get through this horrible season. Like I said, you deserve to have a big night out and I hope you do exactly that. You’ve earned it. Hopefully, tomorrow’s hangover won’t be too bad. Happy Birthday.