2015-16 STAR SELECTION

8 years ago

I have been in love with Jordan Leslie Eberle since before
time began. In fact I originally learned of him in a vision I had three previous lives
before this current incarnation of my present body.

“Your spirit animal will appear before you in the year two thousand and nine,”
an eagle told me in a dream. “Though gapped in the tooth he will cause great fire in
the loins and will melt through ice like a red hot coal.”

It took hundreds of years and three entire lives before the prophecy came true. But the
minute ol’ 14 pulled on an Oilers jersey I knew that eagle from so long ago was
correct. In a season where there were a great many superstuds to choose from, I
picked Eberle as my star before his illustrious career began.

Have you ever seen someone happier to be drafted by the Oilers? Dream Eagle was right – here is a hero for the ages. And here was my star prediction from his rookie year – what only seems a moment ago:

Picking Jordan Eberle – a 20 year old rookie who hasn’t played a single game in the NHL – might seem like a bad idea. But on a team with more teenagers than a Justin Bieber concert, going with youth is probably the best move. We feel it is extraordinarily important that everyone understand that Jordan Eberle is going to be our boy. He’s ours, dammit. Go get your own Jordan Eberle. This one is all ours!

If that isn’t some good predicting, I don’t know what is. And
I continued to inappropriately fawn over young Jordan each and every year since, including punching children who claimed they were bigger fans than me in the face, when necessary.

I own every
single piece of Eberle merchandise ever made including the improbably shaped
plastic beer bottle Eberle piggy bank. I have his name tattooed on the inside of my
thigh. I have done all I can to show support to a great human being and a great
Oiler.

That’s what makes 2015-16 star selection so hard.

OH JORDAN

I feel like you have achieved so much already on a personal level
and have lived up to your lofty potential. Sure, the Oilers have a lower
winning percentage than a career lotto player, but you are a bonafide star in
the league.

You have it all – trillion
dollar long term deal, endorsement deals with banks, a body that can best be
described as “DAMN” and a smile that can best be described as “GET A LOOK AT
HIS BODY AGAIN! DAMN!”

In short – you have arrived. You don’t need Wanye anymore.
You don’t need me tweeting at you 1000 times a day. You don’t need silly memes
made up about you or to be defended online from the thousands of trolls with
pitchforks anymore. You came into this league a boy and now you are a man.

A man who is a certified success by every measure except winning
– and we expect that to turn around fast in the coming couple of years. I legitimately am ultra proud of what you have done on and off the ice since you came into the league and I know you will continue until you hang em up in Oilers silks after having won four Stanley Cups.*

HAVING SAID ALL OF THAT

Now on the other hand, there is someone new that has arrived in
town with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Not only the Oilers but the
very league itself needs a certain someone to perform beyond expectations
currently set to “beyond sky high.” They need a new Sidney Crosby. They
need a new player to transcend the game, host SNL and later have his daughter
marry a PGA player.

The NHL and the Oilers and the very Earth itself need this poor kid
to turn out 1000/100. Trolls are sharpening their pitchforks across the globe
waiting for any reason to begin hating on him as hard as possible. Who will be there to witlessly defend Connor McDavid from said trolls? Who will make up memes about him and keep reposting them long after they stopped being funny? Who will make bootleg gear and attempt to monetize him in a manner described by lawyers as “possibly illegal”?

Connor, what is your nickname going to be? Do you “give it 100%” or do you “give it your all” during intermission interviews? What’s it like being born in the
late 90s? What do you smell like when getting out of the shower? Do you like cotton candy?

So many questions spring to mind.

Someone needs to figure all this out on behalf of the trillions of new McDavid fans around the world. While there will be countless fans cheering you on, only one self centered clueless idiot living in his own world can claim to the the number one Connor McDavid fan on earth.

I have been getting ready for this job my entire life.

It truly is a new Era of Oilers Hockey,
one that will vault us into the top teams of the league beating others within
an inch of their life with ease.

Yes, we have a glorious time ahead of us Connor, and you can
totally count on your new pal Wanye doing my very best to represent the creepy portion of your fan base and drive off trolls screaming into the night. Sit back and wait for the memes to roll in my friend. Things are about to get weird.

And so in the grand tradition of people in their mid 30s, I
am trading in my significant other for a hot slice of 18 year old.