Over on Twitter, Connor McDavid announced that he’s doing a Q&A with Gene Principe and I know how valuable his time is, so I thought I would answer as many of these questions as possible so that he doesn’t have to. 

Before I get started, I wanted to mention the thing that teachers sometimes say when they talk about “there are no bad questions”, because let me assure you that this question thread is proof of the contrary to that statement. Some of you are asking horrible, terrible questions and our beloved Connor just doesn’t have time for that. Luckily, your boy Baggedmilk is here to speak the truth, have some fun on a slow news day and get to the bottom of some of these questions that will likely go unasked and ignored during the actual Q&A.

You’re probably going to have to work harder than that, Gary. I understand why you want a picture with Connor but this probably won’t get it done. BTW what kind of bucket are we talking about? Four gallons? Five?

I’m going to go out and say that he would have no idea, but the default answer is likely in the ballpark of ‘a shit tonne.’ If the asker of this question is a 13-year-old hockey player, it may actually be better for his self-esteem to not find out the real answer.

At first, I heard that making the NHL was a fallback career for Connor just in case his snake milker plan fell through. He also wanted to be Drake’s hype man but that spot had been filled so he had to look for other ideas. From there, the legend goes that he applied for a job in the NHL when he was 17 and was lucky enough to get picked first overall.

Honestly, I think Chris is just looking for someone that eats as much as he does. Chris will often bring in three or four lunches to Nation HQ and I’m guessing that he asked this question in the hopes that an athlete at the top of his game ploughs through even half the amount of food that he does.

Sure. Stub Hub is usually pretty good about that kind of thing.

I can’t believe you don’t know this, Jason. He’s a big fan of when Spain granted Puerto Rico autonomy on November 25th, 1897.

I’m sure it’s horrible. Frankly, I’m surprised that he didn’t push the contract away and say no thank you.

“Please like my team.”

I don’t like the sounds of this one and would avoid this guy at all costs because I’m not positive that he’s not actually Shang Tsung hiding behind an anonymous Twitter account. Pull the chute, Connor. He’s after your essence.

Paul Blart movies don’t just make themselves, guy. How is Kevin James going to film Grown Ups 2 if he’s spending all of his time working on the storylines for Doug and Carrie? That bird could only be caged for so long.

You and I both know the answer to this. Don’t make Connor say it out loud.

I love that Leafs fans won’t let the dream die. Get over it, bruh. Enjoy your lesser prospects and admire McDavid from afar like everyone else does.

I’m pretty sure his thoughts were, “I wish I could trade this broken collarbone for an ankle injury.” That said, I’m no anatomy expert.

I didn’t know he signed for the 20% max that is allowable under the CBA? Oh wait, he didn’t do that, did he? This is the kind of guy that thinks you should be allowed to have a Rolls-Royce on a Honda Civic budget.

I just wanted to include this one because of how sad Leafs fans are about where he wound up. The saltiness sustains me and will continue to do so for the next nine years.

Honestly, I could have gone on forever with these questions but I have a life to live. Some of the heaters that people were throwing out there were so dumb that I actually had to re-read them just to make sure that I could understand what was being asked. The moral of the story is that some people need to learn how to use Google or that Twitter needs to install some kind of skill testing question before a tweet goes out. Either way, I’m just happy that I was able to take some of the pressure off Connor and answer the questions that had no chance of being responded to. Adieu.