Oilers Letters to Santa

1 year ago

With Christmas coming up in a few hours, I decided to write a few fake letters to Santa on behalf of our beloved Edmonton Oilers to see if we can’t get a few last-minute gifts under their trees ahead of the back half of the 2022-23 NHL season.

CONNOR MCDAVID:

DEAR SANTA,

Since I know you’ve been watching, I don’t have to tell you that I’ve been a very good boy again in 2022, and that’s why I’m asking for a few extra things this year. Not only am I leading the NHL in every statistical category that matters, but I’m doing it even though most of my teammates aren’t really carrying their weight. For Christmas this year I would really like some of that depth scoring we’ve been talking about on an annual basis to take some of the pressure off of Leon and me. If you could find a way in your heart to make that happen I would be forever grateful. If that’s not possible, just let me know and I will find a way to get even better than I already am.

Your Friend, Connor

LEON DRAISAITL:

Lieber Weihnachtsman,

Hallo herr, Weihnachtsmann, and thank you for taking the time to read my letter. If I’m being honest, I’m pretty good with everything that’s happening on the ice but could use a little help with the local media. For some reason, I can’t hide when I’m pissy and now that everyone knows I give the best answers on this team whenever I have a mic in my face, even I don’t know what I’m going to say next. That’s why I’m asking for an extra dose of wit this Christmas so that I can have the perfect quote in my mind at any given time while also helping the fine kids at Oilersnation sell t-shirts whenever that happens.

Danke, Leon.

RYAN NUGENT-HOPKINS:

Dear, Santa!

It’s me, Ryan but my friends call me Nuggy. I’m finally having the kind of season that everyone hoped I would and even though I’m super stoked on it, can you stop this weirdo named Baggedmilk from crying outside of my house every night? I mean, he’s a nice guy and all, and I always appreciate the way he told everyone to keep me forever, but the unannounced visits and edible arranges have to stop. Nobody can eat that much fruit. If you could help me out with this then it would allow me to remain focused on the task at hand, keep myself at a point-per-game pace and finally bring the Stanley Cup back to Edmonton. They’ll probably build a statue of me and I could put it with the horse at the RNH Stables.

Thank you very much, RNH.

KLIM KOSTIN:

счастливого Рождества,

I’m honestly just happy to be here so I just wanted to say thanks for getting me the hell out of St. Louis. I know I asked for an early present and you came through. Now I’ll win this city over and make them all love me. It is my destiny.

-Klim Shady

JESSE PULJUJARVI:

Rakas Joulupukki!

I don’t know what I did to tick the Hockey Gords off this year, but enough is enough, don’t you think? I’ve been playing hard and working my pallokassi off but I just can’t get anything to stick with any regularity. To make matters worse, the stress from this goal thing is causing me to lick my left eyebrow clean off my face and I don’t think I need to explain to you why having only one eyebrow is not the look to strive for. If you could do me a favour and get this monkey off my back then I would be forever grateful. Maybe then my value can rise high enough so to either be appreciated for the player I am in Edmonton or traded to another market that will give me a fresh start.

Jesse, And yup!

DARNELL NURSE:

Dear Santa,

Is there a way that you can help me forget that I make $9.25 million for a minute without actually stopping the cheques from hitting my bank account? I’m playing a little bit tight right now, and maybe it might help if I still think that I make $3 million. Remember, don’t stop the cheques from coming in, only the pressure that’s attached to them.

-Darnell

JACK CAMPBELL:

To Santa,

You know what I want, and you know what the whole city expects from me. I don’t have to say it. Please. Help.

-Soup

TYSON BARRIE:

Hey, Santa,

Can you please help me figure out how I’m quietly in eighth place in NHL scoring after 35 games literally nobody is talking about it? If anything, I get that everybody with a keyboard trading me for basically any defenceman other than myself, and I don’t understand how that happens. I know I’m not the most defensive guy you could ever meet, but I’m still the guy on the back end of the best power play in the league and there is no love coming my way. It’s making me feel like a Maple Leaf again and it hurts. Would it be too much to ask for a pat on the back from time to time? If you could make that happen, I’ll upgrade the cookies and balance it out with a perfectly made White Russian to wash it all down.

You’re the best, Tyson

EVANDER KANE:

Hey, Santa,

What’s going on, Santa. Can I ask you a question? How is it that I took a pay cut to stay in Edmonton only to have my first year on this deal get derailed by Pat Maroon stepping on my arm? I know this isn’t your department but I’m hoping you can help me figure this all out. I mean, it’s incredibly obvious that the Oilers are not the same team without me in the lineup so maybe

Thanks in advance! -Evander

EVAN BOUCHARD:

Hey, big man,

Fresh pair of New Balance (size 10) and the John Deere S140 48-in Deck 22HP V-Twin Hydro Lawn Tractor.

See you at A&W for coffee. -Dad

WHAT SAY YOU?

Even though I wasn’t able to write letters to Santa from all of the guys on the roster, felt like I did a pretty good job of helping this handful of players out with a few last minute requests. That said, I know I missed a few guys that could desperately use an upgrade or two, so if you’re writing to Santa in the spirit of helping out the Oilers, what would you like to see some of these guys get for Christmas?

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