Five-Star General needed ASAP

On your left, Nation: Rapper Jon C aka “Da General.” On your right: General Henry “Hap” Arnold. Both lay claim to the title “general,” and both have funky nicknames bestowed upon them by fellow “soldiaz.”

Now you may be asking yourself, “Wanye, what did you ingest over the weekend that makes you compare Canadian Rap Superstar Jon C to some lowly American Five-Star General?”

The Oilers are currently suffering from what doctors call “Lack-of-leaderitis.” This is a particularly troubling condition for this team to contract given its relative youth and its large number of impressionable minds. Leadership is always important and as both Hap and Jon C will tell you a General is key to keep your squad in line.

“Props” to the Oil for coming back from a 3–1 deficit in the second period against the Canucks. But when the heartbreaking goal went in to give the Canucks a 4–3 lead and then the 5-3 and 6-3 leads were established, who was there to put the team on his back and lead the squadron to victory? Vancouver’s captain is in goal for heavens sakes, yet he seemed to have a better chance at scoring the comeback goal than the leaders of the Oil.

Whose team is this anyway? Who the hell is in charge?

Look at Jon C there. Repping Heat Bag Records out of Winnipeg. Like the Oilers, Heat Bag Records have also had adversity which they have had to overcome, as their cutting edge website will tell you.

*ahem*

See? Look at that resiliency! Look at that fire! Look at that inappropriate use of capital letters! Look at that ability to handle pressure and strife! “Struggle wit da law”? Heavens, that sounds unpleasant. One has to assume that Jon C—“da General”—had plenty to do with that consistent high level of output. Impressive.

Now take Henry “Hap” Arnold. Doesn’t look like much, does he? Kind of a nice old guy with a kindly face. Similar uniform to Jon C, but the two took slightly different paths to attain the rank of General. Whereas Jon C presumably rented his uniform at some Winnipeg Costume Depot, Hap Arnold was the only officer to ever hold a five-star grade in two different US military services and undoubtedly earned his stripes.

Personally taught to fly by the Wright Brothers—no joke—Hap was one of the first people to fly a military aircraft for American Forces. General Arnold led the expansion of the Air Force in WWI and later was the Commanding General of the US Army Air Forces for the entirety of WWII. This meant that he was in charge of developing a strategy to defeat the Air Forces of Germany, Italy and Japan. An essentially impossible task for 99.99999 per cent of his team, but one he was able to put together successfully.

Hap Arnold is an actual General who leads his troops to victory. Jon C rents a General’s uniform and looks uneasy on an album cover that has been bought by literally dozens of fans. One talks about being hard as nails, one actually IS hard as nails. One looks threatening but is basically harmless, one looks harmless but is a million times more gangster than the whole Heat Bag Records team combined.

The point here, Nation—and there is one—is that leadership is best displayed through action not tough talk. We have now sat through three absolutely shitanusly® terrible games in a row and heard all the tough talk from the Oilers. We see the gigantic paycheques being handed out in the payroll office. We see the “product” on the ice and the absolute lack of fire the last few of games. It’s never too early in the season to have the troops lose faith. It’s also never too early for someone to decide that this season there won’t be the annual last minute dash to the playoffs and that the first 30 games are important too. Snatching that game against the Canucks away from the jaws of defeat might be impossible for most of the Oilers to do single-handedly. But not for their leader. Not for their Hap Arnold.

It’s time for someone to step up and decide that they are going to lead this team to victory. It’s time for someone to walk the walk and put the team on their back.

It’s time for a Five-Star General to emerge.