Hockey movies definitively ranked

Summer is here. The Stanley Cup has been awarded to another team not named the Edmonton Oilers. We need something to do on those hot lonely nights when the mosquitos have chased us from the BBQs and cornhole toss games. Therefore I jumped at the chance to rank the top hockey movies of all-time.

First, a couple of rules that everyone loves so much. I did not include documentaries on this list. So movies such as Red Army or the Hockeyfights sponsored Ice Guardians will not be included (even though you should check them out). The second caveat to this list is movies that didn’t centre around the game of hockey. A classic movie like Happy Gilmore will not be on this list for this reason.

Enough with the rules dummy, onto the list.

This is the only movie on this list that I haven’t watched. Oh, the Americans did one thing in hockey? Oh, Disney bought the rights to the story and made a blockbuster movie out of it? You don’t say. Just brutal. I can’t wait for the twenty movies about Canadian hockey gold medal wins in hockey comes out. That aside, we have all heard the quote by now, and really this is the only part of the movie you ever need to see.

Actually, after seeing that movie footage I may have to check this out.

RIP Vern Troyer. The coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs in this horrible Mike Myers movie (name a good one?). This one barely squeaked in under the “have to focus on hockey” rule with just over 32 minutes (not an actual number) of on-ice footage to go along with the weird storyline. Could the Maple Leafs hire a love guru to make Matthews as good as Connor? It will never work, but they will probably try.

Good Gord, this list is off with a bang. The catalyst for this movie is a Baldwin brother (not the Trump one, I don’t think) accused of rigging Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. How does he do that? Well, of course, he slapped a definite goal off the cross-bar instead of into the net. I can only assume that Alex Tuch will be the main star of SlapShot 3 after he very clearly shot the puck at Holtby’s stick to preserve the win for Washington in Game Two of this year’s Stanley Cup finals.

Ahh, Disney, you did us so wrong by doing us so right with the Mighty Ducks (movie) franchise. Could take or leave the on-ice product you created that allowed for Kesler and Bieksa to still have jobs in 2018. Also could take or leave the third movie in the Ducks trilogy of movies. A movie that tries so hard to include some pieces of nostalgia from the first two but just falls flat on its face. A weird end to the movies as they could never recover from this debacle, yet.

Another American success story. A small town in Alaska (actually a movie set just outside of Canmore, Alberta) thinks it has what it takes to hang with the big boys. The New York Rangers answer the bell and even though the Rangers come in and beat the little guy, two of the players get contracts. Tale as old as time, but well delivered just the same.

Like the people who think Slapshot is an accurate word-for-word depiction of the way the NHL was in the 80’s, those same folks look at goon and assume that this is what every league below the AHL is like. I am here to tell you, other than the LNAH (seriously, look that league up, it’s a slice) Goon is just a hilarious movie that speaks to the warrior spirit of some guys who maybe didn’t have what it took to be the most skilled in the league. Enjoy Goon, because who knows how much longer fighting will actually be in the game of hockey.

Maybe it’s the cast of the movie (Rob Lowe, Patrick Swayze and even Keanu Reeves) or maybe it’s the story of a young flashy star who was taught to toughen up and not quit, but this movie has spoken to me. Maybe not the production quality of the Mighty Ducks or Miracle, but still it has its charm and a great story. Also gives us a great reminder for any time we play Vancouver.

The gold standard of hockey movies. The next three movies are the absolute top of the line hockey movies. Just think, if it wasn’t for Gordon Bombay drinking and driving, we wouldn’t have the pure joy and happiness of watching Charlie master the triple deke to put down those goomba Hawks once and for all.

The movie that made people blush at the audacity of it all. A hilarious flick with amazing characters that you can’t help but remember forever. This movie taught me all kinds of trash-talking hilarity and I definitely spent my fair share of time grounded for pulling some of the stunts of the Hanson Brothers in ball hockey games. I know it will upset some people to not see Slapshot at the top of the list. To that I say, it’s my list and it’s right, but you can have your opinions.

This is it. The winner. The best of the best. Team USA. Through no qualifications of their own, amassed from the District 5 Ducks and a collection of other superstars from around the US of A. Of course, most of those extra hockey players didn’t actually have refined skills to make the USA better without some work. The best moment in hockey movie history has to be the great reveal of the new USA logo, along with the inspirational Gordon Bombay speech asking us to look within to say who we are.

So what do you think Nation? How right is my list? What did I miss? Let me know in the comments below.