If there’s one thing I didn’t expect to have to write on a Monday morning it’s an article instructing people how to behave in public. Considering the video that came out of a small crew of morons heckling Connor and his family as they were leaving a restaurant I felt like it was necessary.

Before we get to the video I feel the need to say that I too am a moron — always have been — but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that some of the things that I thought were funny when I was younger just made me look like a douche, and this is one of those same situations. As someone that has been working on reforming his doucheness for 32 years now, I have a knack for spotting douches from a mile away and I found a pack of live wires here. So with that in mind, I figured that I would write a little something to help these fun boys figure it out, something to inspire the youth into being better people and not just some asshat that yells random crap at people in public.

As you’ll see in the video (posted below), a cackling hyena records while his buddy throws weak chirps at Connor and his family as they’re leaving a restaurant/building/whatever. The guys in the video seem to think the jabs are hilarious despite the McDavids acting like the champions they are and not even acknowledging it or saying anything. It’s not that was said to him was all that bad, but the disrespect was high and the douche-chills were even higher. I mean, if you took chuckles at his word for it, you’d think this was the greatest joke ever played but I’m struggling to see what’s funny about it.

Maybe you guys can help me figure that out:

Hilarious, right? Shades of Carlin and Pryor even. Frankly, I’m surprised the McDavids were able to keep their sides from splitting with all this A-level humour being thrown around. I assume people travel from miles around to hear the funny boys tell their jokes, and I don’t know how the McDavids were able to stay upright without folding over in laughter. Anyway, for as much as that one dude was laughing, I was expecting the greatest joke of all time to play out on my screen but it just never came. Instead, all I saw was a group of disrespectful jackasses that probably called themselves fans during the playoffs being jerks for no reason and thinking it was the greatest thing to ever happen to them.

Not only did these clowns annoy Connor and his family, which is bad enough on its own, now sites like Bardown are turning this into an Edmonton thing with clickbaity headlines and graphics despite this actually being a “there are jackasses everywhere” thing. I’d say I know that 99.9% of the people in this city love Connor McDavid, are completely respectful when they see him out in public, and appreciate all the things he does not only for the hockey team but for the community as well. I mean, just this past week Connor was making stops, surprising kids, and making peoples lives better — that’s someone we want in this community. The guy is a model citizen, upstanding young man, and certainly doesn’t deserve to have a pack of douches yelling at him and his parents when they’re leaving a restaurant. Frankly, nobody ever deserves that.

So for the try-hards in the video, grow up and be better. Yelling at strangers, regardless of who they are, is so lame and I hate that you’re making me waste time explaining this to you. I shouldn’t have to write 900 words breaking down the concept of being respectful but the fact that your moral compass is apparently broken makes me feel the need to learn you a little something. Quite frankly, the “joke” you guys pulled that you thought was absolutely hilarious was actually cringe-worthy and turned an entire city of fans against you now that it’s out. Actually, for your sake, I actually hope that no one figures out who you are because the heckling you heaped on the McDavids could be coming back your way 10-fold if they do. I’m not saying that’s the right thing to do, or that it should happen, but if it does I guess we’ll see how funny the joke is then, huh?

To the McDavids, I would like to offer my sincerest apologies on behalf of the Edmontonians and Oiler fans that love your son and respect what he does for our team and our community. I know you’re all smart enough to know Chuckles and the Gang don’t represent our city, but I still feel the need to say sorry on their behalf anyway. I hope you all know that these idiots don’t speak for the fanbase, the city, or anyone with a thread of common courtesy and that most of us have a deep appreciation for all of you. The fact that you guys were able to walk away with class and without being triggered is applaudable and shows a level of composure that I don’t think I could have managed in the same situation. You all deserved better.

Connor responded to the video with all the class you’d expect from him. When asked for comment, McDavid responded:

“(laughing) I’m not even going to talk about it. Honestly, it’s not a big deal.”

Todd McLellan also responded by saying:

“I haven’t seen it, but he would be the last one I would heckle if I was a fan. He gives the community everything he has. I often sit in the lunch room and ask what the guys are doing today, and every second day Connor says ‘hey I’m going to a hospital, I’m going to see these kids.’ So the individuals that choose to heckle him should look in the mirror.”