MCJESUS RISES

I am literally happier than if I had won the actual lottery.

There are times when the English language lacks the subtlety and nuances to properly express the complex emotions surging through our veins. This is one of those times. The Oilers have won the 2015 Draft Lottery and will pick Connor McDavid first overall this summer.

Let that sink in. Tattoo it on your face if need be. Rename your children Connor McDavid if you have any. It turns out there was a plan all along. Everything crappy that has happened to date: all of the failed trades, all of the mismanaged careers or failed expectations have all led up to a singularity. We will forever measure our lives in BC (Before Connor) and AD (After Draft)

This is waaaaay better than the 2006 Cup Run which heretofore was the best Oilers related thing that had happened in my lifetime as an Oilers fan.

Old people always talk to each other about where they were when historical events went down. You measure your life looking back and use times like these as milestones of where you were. So like how grey hairs remember fondly being at Goose Loonies in the 80s when Cups were being won, we too will one day regale each other where we were when Connor came to town over old man coffee in a Burger King at 9 AM.

With the exception of Parker Knox (more on him later) few of the remaining Oilers fans were expecting much of anything to go down at the draft lottery. So no one was gathered together in any great number, in a sports bar or in an arena when one of the most important events in Oilers history occurred against all odds. Which means we were all over the place all over the world.

I will never forget where I was when the lottery was announced. I had worn my Hope Will Never Die shirt — which is now forever my “lucky Oilers shirt” — but was having a sombre dinner meeting. Watching the count down on the screen in Earls I was rolling my eyes at every pick. Who cares when you draft, Carolina? Bugger off Leafs, with your forceful and decisive President. Everything was going to plan — there was no movement of anyone on the board. So when our ‘ol Uncle Bill — who hooks us up on the reg by the way — drew the third envelope and the Oilers logo was in it, I immediately thought “oh great, third place. DAMN OILERS” 

Then some small part of my brain simultaneously wondered “Why is the background of the Oilers logo gold?” But then the dominant part of my brain kicked back in ruling, “Who cares, go back to being mad about the Oilers.” As they updated the graphics on the draft board to have the Oilers at first pick my entire brain pan literally exploded trying to comprehend what was going on and process this information.

When 1+1 finally equalled two I let out a yell so loud that the waitress dropped her entire tray of drinks. Then people in the restaurant looked up at the screens and let out a cheer. Then you could hear the sound of people explaining to their table mates the history they had just witnessed. I excused myself politely from the meeting and was back at Wanye Manor within 10 minutes of The Announcement and partied like we had won the 2019 Western Conference Finals.*

Where were you? Let us know in the comments.

What does drafting Connor McDavid mean? It means that the Oilers just got struck by lightning while buying a winning lottery ticket. It means that the best player since God knows when just landed in our lap by the randomness of luck or Kay-Z’s infinite supply of hard cash in briefcases because he paid Bettman $500 million to rig the thing so everyone in his home town would stop calling him names. Whatever – what is done is done. Like a bolt out of the blue everything has suddenly changed for the better.

It means that the Oilers lineup has been drastically reordered at the highest level. It means an immediate surge in production for whoever gets the golden tickets to play on 97’s line. It means free agents will be more likely to consider Edmonton and makes any and all pieces available for a trade to plug holes. It means a tsunami of wins to wash over previous mountains of losses. It means you don’t need to know Corsi-Fenwick15 or be a mathematical engineer to know Connor McDavid is gonna get a ton of points in an Oilers jersey in the decade to come. It means we are no longer the bitch of the NHL.

It boggles the very mind, it does.

Check out one of the most hard core Oilers fans you would ever care to meet. 

So my boy Parker tags me in a Facebook post on lottery morning with a rant about cheering for McDavid to come to Edmonton. “I feel it in my bones he is coming here,” he told me. “I just know its going to happen.” All day long he is telling anyone who will listen that the Oilers are going to win the lottery. Then he has the stones to stand in front of his TV praying like an emoji and then the Oilers get McDavid. Probably the only Oilers fan on earth who called it.

That picture is just epic. I won’t soon forget where he was when history went down. It is a testament to positivity, to determination. It’s also about a dog with no chill who has to look away in fear. It is the best moment in the last 20 years in Oilers history caught on film.

Since the greatest thing ever happened I find myself just walking around smiling.I keep wondering, “Did I dream this? Am I in a coma? ARE WE ALL DEAD LIKE IN LOST AND THIS IS FAKE?” Everything is all of a sudden awesome and the next 15 years of drastically upgraded Oilers hockey loom miraculously on the horizen all of a sudden. Its truly mind shattering.

Yet there are still tons of us remaining Oilers fans who are downplaying this lotto win. They are still rightly griping about Lowe or MacT or blaming Shultz’ 1000 errors this year. I think we have a million reasons to be pissed at a million things the Oilers have screwed up of late and right on every single count. We also just won the 2015 Draft Lottery and got Connor McDavid.

Life is short. I am going to fawn over Connor McDavid and organize work crews to clean up the town and move all the unattractive women to resettlement camps in the Rocky Mountains. Rather than trying to figure out why the Oilers have been so godawful for the past nine years I am looking squarely to the future with rose coloured glasses six inches thick**. It is time to get ready for Connor McDavid and a whole new era of Oilers hockey. It is time to put all that old negative life to bed and focus on the impossibly good thing that just happened and its eventual catapult of our beloved Oilers into the (SWEET MCJESUS) playoffs.

And lets not kid ourselves: the Oilers are now the most hated team in the NHL. Viewed as incompetent beyond anything around the league we are now the Northern Canadian bumpkins who lost our way to a championship team with McDavid at the helm. Four first pics overall! I can’t stop laughing. We will need to stick together.

Let’s all try and ease up about the defence being riddled with holes or hating Kevin Lowe or how MacT stole your barbecue or anything like that. This is a new era in Oilers hockey. Let’s all draw a line in the sand and get behind this new team. It may take a couple years but all of a sudden blind, dumb, heart-warmingly kind lady luck has dealt us Connor McDavid. Let’s get to positivity quicker than Connor McDavid on a 2-on-0 break.

It is going to take some time for this to sink in. I for one am going drinking.