People born in Calgary are losers; people who just live in Calgary need to move

 

Let’s see what’s in the news today, on the eve of a Battle of Alberta.

The Edmonton Sun: “Curtis Glencross could not have scripted a better way to make his Edmonton Oilers debut.”

Right. Thanks for mailing that one in, Derek Van Deist. We couldn’t collectively care less if Curtis Glencross cured cancer; he’ll be doing it from the Oilers bench where he shant leave except to stand up and open the gate for Hemsky.

The Edmonton Journal: Ah, forget it. We don’t even have the strength to click the mouse over and look.

In the absence of the media being able to concoct anything decent today, or so we imagine, we’ll tell you a thing or two about a thing or two, lambs:

1. Jarome Iginla is from Edmonton. What that means is that when your star player has his season come to an end, he packs up and comes home to Edmonton. Must be nice to know.

2. You have one Cup. So does Carolina. That makes neither of you good teams in the long run. The Las Vegas Posse was also a competitive franchise in the CFL, briefly.

3. That FlamesTV show is tied with Two and a Half Men for the least entertaining half hour of television ever. Even if we were housebound and couldn’t leave our bed, watching Robyn Regehr play with his dogs for 20 minutes and showing us his skidoo is still a bloody waste of time.

4. Dion Phaneuf is from Edmonton. See #1 in this list. Must be nice to know your best players call E-Town home. I can’t remember so well—have ANY good NHL players come out of Calgary? Right. Oh, in case you were still feeling smug, Daymond Langkow and Mark Smith (whoever he is) are also from Edmonton, bringing your total of Edmonton-born players on your roster to four. There is more of Edmonton on your roster than Calgary; tuck that into the back of your brains.

5. Mike Keenan is probably one of the worst coaches in the NHL… 10 years ago. Now he’s just an old shadow of a man, who lacks the fire to do much of anything. The only thing worse than a fired up Jerk of a coach, is a lazy old coach whose fire has gone out.

6. The Saddledome is one of the worst buildings in the NHL. We’ve been to our fair share of games in different arenas around the league. Without a doubt, the Saddledome is one of the worst. All your bandwagon fans wearing the exact same brand new Flames Jersey that still sport the Canadian Tire price tag drives us nuts. There isn’t a retro jersey to be seen up in there. If you want to get a beer and hit the can during intermission, be prepared to miss the first 10 minutes of the next period while you stand in lines that stretch on forever.

7. Harvey the Hound is so unbelievably lame. What does an 6-foot dog have to do with anything?

8. The Olympics were 20 years ago. For heavens sake, take down all the signs around town. It’s great that you got the Winter Olympics in 1988. But Elizabeth Manley has moved on, why can’t you? You remind us of the 35-year-old guy with a mullet walking down the street still wearing his high school football jacket. That’s great that you were a Defensive Back in 1991 “Ted” but don’t you think its time to focus on your career in Custodial Services?

9. Your pompus citizens driving around in leased 7-series BMWs hoping that the newest home-equity line of credit goes through so they can buy a new suit aren’t scaring anyone. We remember the mid 1990s, when you all sat at home and were “consultants” which basically consisted of “consulting” with the TV guide for which soap opera to watch, or driving past your empty shell of a downtown. Enjoy this latest upswing while it lasts you hilarious wankers.

10. You signed Curtis Joseph? Whose idea was that? Wait wait, let us guess. Does it rhyme with Bike Sheenan? What are you, the 1995 St Louis Blues? Don’t you think bringing in a former golden boy who is a favourite of the coach but LONG past his prime might infuriate Kipprusoff, one of the only decent non-Edmontonian players you have?

MORANS.

Go Oil!