Tell us how the patient is doing, Dr Wanye

Ladies and gentlemen, the medical staff at the OilersNation Hospital are pleased to report that our patient is stable for the time being, and is expected to live through the night. With no games being played tonight that will affect the Oilers’ playoff race one way or another, things can’t get any worse for the time being.

We didn’t expect the patient to live this long, to be honest. There was a lot of damage, as you well know, to the heart (trading Ryan Smyth). The shoulders have both gone (Souray and Horcoff) the ACL of the patient’s knee has been severely damaged and required surgery (Torres). A leg is also broken (Moreau)—yes, the very same leg that gave us all the trouble earlier. As some of you may also know, we have found a problem with the ankle (Garon) that would ordinarily cause our patient a great deal of concern, were it not for all the other problems that have already piled up.

The biggest thing we have working against us for the moment is time. Because despite all of these injuries, the patient has shown that he’s a fighter and has been much stronger of late. The youth transplant he was given (Gagner, Cogliano, Smid, Brodziak, Gilbert and Nilsson) seems to be responding better than we could have anticipated, which gives us great hope. The temper (Staios, Stortini) seems be holding up well, and the best thing we have going for us at this time is the will to fight on to live another day.

Our medical team has had a lot of discussion about the brain of the patient (MacT and Lowe). Though it seemed earlier that there had been complete synaptic failure and the patient was completely brain dead, this seems to have—remarkably—reversed itself for the time being. Sometimes these types of patients can suffer a relapse though, so it’s important not to get our hopes up that the patient will be back playing chess any time soon.

All we can do now is hope, lambs. We have the patient doped up good on Rexall Drugs, and he isn’t feeling much pain. He is resting for today, and tomorrow will be of utmost importance.

Tomorrow we will need to see the following, if the patient is to survive the next 24 hours:

Calgary vs Edmonton – Edmonton win
Colorado vs Vancouver – Colorado win
Nashville vs St Louis – St Louis win

Let us pray.