This just in: Sean Avery is a dick. Oh yeah, Game One tonight

 

You have to hand it to the sports media on this planet. They just love to take the bait laid out by the Randy Mosses, the Dennis Rodmans and the very, very poor man’s version of a Bad Boy, Sean Avery.

In the one corner you have Sean Avery, who lacks the sense that God gave urinary tract discharge. He makes Jeremy Roenick look like knighted nobility, and makes Paris Hilton look like a Mensa candidate.

In the other corner you have the Sports Media covering the series who alternate between bowing before his highness “Avery dominates talk of Rangers/Penguins series” and wringing their hands and crying “What is to be done about this Sean Avery and his wicked ways?”

Who cares? We get it. Sean Avery used to date Elisha Cuthbert. He’s a tool, he gets in people’s faces. Awesome. If we have to watch that footage of Avery embarrassing himself in front of Brodeur, or witness the clip from what seems to be a local access TV show where Avery calls Brodeur fatso one more time, we’ll gladly heat a nail over our hotplate till it is red hot and plunge it deep into our eye sockets until we’re blind.

So please, Laraque, as a favour to your many loyal fans remaining in the OilersNation: paste a nice Avery-shaped smudge into the corner to start Game 1, and we can get back to talking hockey instead of dishing on Sean Avery and his dreamy bad-boy ways.