Wanye Gretz’s Stanley Cup Analysis: Comparing Hometown Actors

  

They say that you can judge an NHL team by the actors born in that city. That’s why the Oilers won so many cups when Michael J. Fox was hot. Let’s look at our Finalists this year shall we?  

David Lee Coulier was born in Detroit September 21, 1959. His realistic portrayal of a baby during those first few months is arguably his best performance as an actor, and his career immediately began to slide into the vortex that is Full House, America’s Funniest People and eventually the Surreal Life.

In addition to being a Red Wings fan, he did the hockey world a disservice by introducing fellow Full House star Candace Cameron to Valeri Bure after an NHL game, and they later married in 1996. Bure’s career was never the same, and the Dave Coulier Curse later spread to Valeri’s brother Pavel who was forced to retire from the NY Rangers because “he couldn’t stand his brother in law.”

In 2006, Coulier appeared on the reality show Skating with Celebrities on FOX, where he was paired with Olympic medalist Nancy Kerrigan. This marked the end of his career, though he continues to employ an agent for reasons unknown.

Charles Bronson is not only one of the original action stars in film, but he is also one of the toughest men to call Earth home in the last 10,000 years.

Bronson’s father died when he was only ten, and he went to work in the coal mines like his older brothers until he was drafted for World War II. He earned $1 per ton of coal mined. His family was so poor that, at one time, he reportedly had to wear his sister’s dress to school because he had nothing else to wear. No one made fun of him for it. By the way, this is completely true. Bronson later went on to star in Death Wish V: The Face of Death, possibly the greatest film in the history of modern cinema.

Bronson’s connections to the Penguins are shaky at best, but we’re sure that at some point he must have heard of them. It probably went like this:

Random guy: Hey Charles, want to go see a Penguins game?
Bronson: I can’t, I’m scared of Steve Staios.

You wouldn’t catch Charles Bronson dead in a show called Skating with Celebrities. You wouldn’t catch Charles Bronson dead introducing Valeri Bure to Candace Cameron. Bronson would karate chop Bure in half and rub his tears on Pavel’s knee, immediately curing its ails and allowing him to return to the NHL. Bronson has been dead for five years, and he could still beat Coulier to within an inch of his life. As a result, the Penguins shall rain blows upon Detroit in the Finals as well.