Well Dany Heatley certainly shed plenty of light on his reasons for not wanting to become an Edmonton Oiler when he finally addressed the media Friday, didn’t he?

Did you expect anything different from Dour Dany, really? Did you expect clarity? Closure? The straight goods?

Do you feel better now that he graced us with his reasons for stiffing the Ottawa Senators and the Oilers with his trade demand and subsequent refusal to waive his no movement clause after Steve Tambellini put together a package of Dustin Penner, Andrew Cogliano and Ladislav Smid for the right to pay him $7.5 million a season?

To hear Heatley tell it, his tale of woe and mistreatment comes down to feeling his role has been “diminished” in Ottawa. His limbo is a hardship that can only be remedied by having “options” when it comes to picking a new team to play for, as long as that option isn’t the Oilers.

Isn’t that about it?

By now, we all know what Heatley said. Now, you can take it at face value or you can read between the lines. I’m going to take a swing at the latter, using my Spin Translation Tool, some software I got over the internet from the same company where I purchased a great set of steak knives.

WHAT HE SAID: “There’s nothing with Edmonton personally, I just think when we asked for a trade we wanted to go about it together and we wanted some options and to this date there has only one option.

“At the time the only option was Edmonton and I wasn’t ready to make a decision at that time and I’m still not ready to make a decision until there are other options.”

WHAT HE MEANT: “Edmonton isn’t an option. Look, boys, I’m no fool. I’m from Calgary. I know all about Alberta winters. Why should I freeze my lily white ass when I can play in San Jose or Los Angeles or Anaheim? You ever tried golfing in Edmonton the second week of April?

WHAT HE SAID: “I don’t feel I can make the right decision until there are a few options. (The Oilers) were not on my initial list of teams I gave the Senators to talk to. When that trade came up it came as a big surprise and I wasn’t ready at that time nor am I now to make that decision.”

WHAT HE MEANT: “Look, man, I’m Dany F*cking Heatley. Are you trying to tell me there aren’t six, seven or maybe eight teams out there dying to shove a stack of money my way? C’mon, Bryan, I’m calling BS on that one. I gave you a list of 28 teams. Edmonton was the only team NOT on that list. They’ve missed the playoffs, like, 13 years in a row.”

WHAT HE SAID: “It’s definitely not Cory solely. I think the main reason for me is when I signed in Ottawa two years ago I thought it was to be an integral part of the team over the last two years I feel my role has diminished and especially this past season it diminished a lot more. A diminished role is the biggest thing. I feel I’m a player who can play in a lot of different situations. I’m an offensive guy but I take pride in all aspects of the game and I don’t feel I was given that role on the team.”

WHAT HE MEANT: “Clouston’s an asshole for expecting me to play within a team concept. Do this, Dany. Do that. Check. WTF? Who is this spank-off, anyway? This guy waltzes in, turns the team around and just expects me to become his yes-man? How much money does Clouston have in the bank? How many times has he scored 50 goals? As many times as Pat Quinn and Tom Renney, that’s how many.”

WHAT HE SAID: “I have a contract and I’m going to honour that contract. If I’m still a Senator at training camp time I’ll be there ready to go. I’m a hockey player and I’ll play to the best of my ability wherever I am. At the same time, we know there are other teams interested and hopefully something can get done.”

WHAT HE MEANT: I don’t give a pinch of stool if my presence at training camp causes the Senators a problem or a distraction. Like I’m going to do anything to void my contract and kiss off $7.5 million. Think again.”

WHAT HE SAID: “I think anyone that has played with me knows I’m a team guy. The way this has gone this summer has been unfortunate, but as far as my reputation, anyone I have ever played with or played for has thought of me as a good teammate.”

WHAT HE MEANT: So I’m an self-centred jerk with an inflated sense of entitlement, there’s a news bulletin. Stop the presses, you know what I’m saying? Look, even if I’m a dick, I’ll get you 40 goals. That’s all that matters, right?

Tambellini and Kevin Lowe know that. Otherwise they wouldn’t have come sniffing around, puckering up and saying pretty please. Like I’m going play with Shane Horcoff and Alex Hemsky. Screw that. I’m Dany F*cking Heatley.”