You Paid For This?

It never fails to amaze me how many people defend Kevin Lowe or any other member of the Oilers brass. It really doesn’t. They could drive a truck right through some people’s front window or ruin Sunday dinner by showing up loaded and hitting on the lady of the house and still some people will call it part of the plan. But can we agree that paying money to show people how dumb you are in an ad is the wrong way to go about defending inept management?

Today somebody bought an Ad in the Edmonton Sun to post this message:

The mind, it boggles.

For this ridiculous waste of time to even make any sense one has to remember the last time someone ridiculously wasted money in a Print Ad about Kevin Lowe. The Lowe Must Go Facebook Group paid for an ad to appear in the Sun on December 19th. It was pathetic too. The Lowe Must Go fanatics are a bunch of whiners on Facebook who apparently have too much money to spend and felt like paying for something that anyone with a working internet connection could have done for free. 

If you aren’t sure what their platform is and want to know more about their thoughts on the Oilers the Lowe Must Go Facebook Group believes that Lowe must go. Yeah. The name is pretty self explanatory. There isn’t much else. 

At any rate some loon with too much money and not enough brains decided to post his rebuttal to them in the Sun, not that you would really know that because he apparently can’t be bothered to properly address his “Rebuttal” to the Kevin Lowe Must Go Facebook Group. Here’s a quick tip to future rebuttaleers: make sure you accurately tell people who you are indeed rebutting unless your goal is to look like that old man who can’t figure out how to post on Facebook so he just takes out a full ad in the paper.

He said, entirely unironically. 

How is it possible for someone to miss the mark so badly here? Where is your self-awareness? This line sounds like something said on a soap opera after Drake Heatherington discovers that his wife has left him for his evil twin brother in a bid to take full control of the family business (which is a wig manufacturing plant). 

So this is what is has come to, Laura? First me, now my evil twin? Who won’t you manipulate to get your hands on our wiggy fortune?

Spare me while I throw up some eggnog. It was bad enough that the evil and all powerful Lowe Must Go group took out an ad in a poorly read paper, but did they have to it in the Christmas season? I mean have some class.

The Oilers themselves always honour the spirit of the holidays, which is why they fired Dallas Eakins on December 15th, just 4 days prior to the ad going live. Everybody knows the Christmas season doesn’t start until at least December 16th so they totally didn’t ruin anybody’s holiday by firing him despite never giving him more than 2 NHL Centers and sub .900 goaltending. But imagine how terrible it would have been for Dallas if he kept his job but somebody wrote a poorly conceived paid advertisement about firing him.

The writer of the ad was spot on though. That ad was well timed. It got the Oilers right when they were at their Lowest (see what I did there). Well planned though? I could plan on wasting money a bunch of more interesting ways before I start handing it over to the Sun though.

Very Sly indeed.

If you aren’t actually here to defend Kevin Lowe’s status and contribution to hockey then what was the point of this? Isn’t this a rebuttal? Shouldn’t there be…points…or evidence…or…something? What are you actually trying to accomplish in this limited space that you’ve paid seemingly good money for?

This would have been the perfect spot to support your main man K-Lowe with a salient point about what he has accomplished or will accomplish or is in the midst of accomplishing. Belabor the point. Please. It would be nice to be reminded of him actually doing something positive post-2006.

Damn it, say SOMETHING!

We don’t actually know this. There are roughly 50 other GM/Presidents of Hockey Ops/Management lackeys that we would put into Kevin Lowe’s immediate peer group collectively in the NHL. I have not polled all of them about their views on Kevin Lowe but there have to be a few who aren’t fans.

I mean there’s the guy down in Calgary who wanted to literally fist-fight Kevin Lowe not all that long ago. The barn was rented and everything. Kevin Lowe called out Bobby Ryan while he was still a very young prospect in Anaheim and a player he had absolutely no need to talk about and Burkie lost it. Their childish feud was well documented. Surely even if the blood has cooled Burke doesn’t exactly hold him up in high regard. 

Jay Feaster seems to take a certain enjoyment from Oiler failures and he was integral to the management of a couple NHL teams. I bet a few wobbly pops into the night he might tell you what he really thinks of old Lowesy.

Then of course there’s Ron Hextall who took control of the Flyers and immediately used Edmonton as the example of how not to go about building a winning culture. He very specifically admonished against the idea of tanking style rebuild, the very method Lowe and Company came up with to bring the Oilers out of the basement and into the penthouse.

Or what about Dean Lombardi who was very upset that the Oilers traded him a player with a busted foot? Surely Mr. Lombardi has some thoughts about the Oilers’ President of Hockey Ops after that one. 

Universally respected? 

I don’t mean to speak for anyone else, but I have my doubts.

Finally, a salient point!

Why didn’t you just say that? Oh there’s more. Let’s keep this up!! I think I’m starting to like this guy.

What the heck was that? What just happened here was a classic case of filler. The entire point is non sequitur. If you remove it completely, nothing changes. If you add it back, nothing changes. 

Why on Earth would the relative size of Edmonton fit into a discussion about Kevin Lowe? Is the implication that because there aren’t 7 million people living in this city that we should be happy Kevin Lowe is the President of Hockey Ops for the Oilers and Deputy Grand Czar of the Oilers Entertainment Group?

And how does Pocklington or Gretzky fit in here too? TELL ME. I NEED TO KNOW!

Stop holding out on me, random advertiser. Tell me all your secrets. Or…have you said too much already? We can get you into some kind of protection program if need be…or social program? I’m not judging.*

[Rubbing temples furiously] If your thoughts on any matter amount to “Nobody can tell the future” then you should consider not bringing the matter up, let alone PAYING to bring the matter up. You brought up Craig MacTavish, you mouth-breather, say something! 

Anyone’s guess?

Anyone’s guess?!?

How will I fare standing in front of this speeding train?

Anyone’s guess.

Is stuffing this angry raccoon down my pants and dancing to Uptown Funk a bad idea?

Anyone’s guess.

Is paying for an full-page ad in a newspaper to shame a Facebook group a poor investment?

Anyone’s guess.

Trifle is delicious! I can’t trust anyone who wouldn’t eat that. Look at it! If someone looks at that trifle and says they dont want it, you should call the police immediately and let them know about the suspicious activity you’ve just witnessed. Something shady is going down.

Did this entirely paid ad really just end with its author telling us that it’s Katz’ toy and he’ll do what he wants with it?

Yep, it did.

Thank you “One Who Bleeds Oiler Blue” for imparting with the the wisdom inherent in “The owner will do what he wants.”

And I’m sure the Oilers have made no light decisions about their management at all. They did exhaustive job searches for their GM, Coach, Ex-Coach, Goalie Coach, Assistant GM, and Senior VP of Hockey Ops. These searches included but were not limited to going through a list of current AND former employees. A lot of work went into them.

Please, everyone who can read this message, stop taking out full ads in the newspaper to make your points. It’s a waste of your money. It’s a waste of our time. If you feel like you’ve been trying to say something for years but nobody will listen to you, it’s probably because your point is empty and nobody likes you.

If you aren’t paying money to have your poorly conceived thoughts appear in a dying medium for all to mock, then good job. You are a shining example of what Oiler fans should be doing in times like these: Nothing. 

I can’t believe this is what it has come to.

*I am