You can tell a lot about how things are going for a player by how they react when they score. Ovechkin? He throws his gloves in the air, and is all smiles. Jason Chimera? He looks like he found a $1,000 bill stuck to the bottom of his shoe—it’s all luck and he knows it.
Why does Jarret Stoll look so bloody relieved every time he scores? Is it because his sticks seem to be made of cheese and human hair this year, shattering into dust whenever he gets a decent scoring chance? Is it because he realizes that this is his option year and his contract goes down by a year and a quarter million dollars with every month that passes? He just looks so relieved every time he’s able to put anything past anyone. We’ve seen this before—last year with a player that was under the gun for the Oil.
Need a hint? He had lovely long eyelashes.
Need another hint? His name rhymed with Roffrey Rupul.
Every time that clown scored he looked like his tests had just come back negative from the lab. You’re no Joffrey Lupul, Jarret Stoll. You’re a tough-as-nails dude who had 68 points just two short seasons ago. Hold your head up, son! You’re Jarret Stoll for heavens sake!
We want to see you yelling swear words at the top of your lungs when you score. We want to see you go ripping across the ice and smash into whatever defenceman passed it across for your shot in celebration. We want you to do that move straight from Pee Wee Tier 14 that the Oilers do when they score, and skate along the bench high-fiving everyone.
Slap those bottoms! High five those team mates! Stop breaking sticks! Score those goals!
That is all. Nation out.