Winners and losers

We were driving into NationHQ this morning and we got a text from one of the Green Diesels -– more on them later. “Did you hear that Comrie has been ordering strippers on the road despite his relationship with Hilary Duff?” We were so excited we pulled over to the side of the road and French kissed the first passerby we could lay our hands on.

Note that this story hasn’t hit the interwebs yet – once we hit publish on this story it will be the first mention that we can find anywhere. Instead this is being reported by celebrity reporter Meg Tucker on 91.7 The Bounce. Her 11 Pulitzer prizes are enough for us to 100 per cent believe this story is true.

Smarter people will reserve judgment until the facts are in before weighing in on the subject.

(three second pause)

Long enough for us. Here goes:

Oh Mike. *shakes head sadly* First you were a hometown hero that was run out of town and now can’t return. Now you cheated on Hillary Duff with greasy rippers on the road. Did we also mention you play for the Islanders and no one will sign you to a long-term deal despite the fact you consistently score every season?

Think it might be time to find a mirror and ask yourself the hard questions?

*sighs contentedly*

Draft pt 2

Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? The second season of the “First Annual Wanye Gretz wants you to waste more work time hockey draft” (FAWGWYTWMWTHD) is a go. But before you sign up here:

Division name: Oilersnation.com

Let’s talk about champions. Here is the top ten from the first season.

We have to confess we lost interest in this draft because of people like MARTYB39, credfern75 and greenlightning86. They jumped out to a lead so fast we hadn’t even had time to figure out what was what. “Who is good this year? Is that Ovechkin ever going to amount to anything? Is Pavel Bure a good dark horse pick?”

While our mind was reeling on questions like these the top five went about dismantling the entire division within minutes of signing up. Look at that beating MARTYB39 laid on the division. Good heavens.

Well not this season, you unscrupulous bastards. We are going to bring the heat in the second half of the season. Our team — cleverly named as per usual — has been doing ‘roids during the All-Star Break while the rest of the league was on vacation. They know the responsibility of being on Wanye Gretz’s hockey draft team and if the millions in salary and thousands of puck bunnies weren’t enough, our constant harassment will be the motivating factor behind a big second half.

Join now everyone. And the funnier the names the better. After all, if you can’t be good, look good.

The biggest win of the century

We don’t make mention of it often but we are a part of the best curling team in the entire universe. Before you say, “Curling Wanye? Was the lawn dart league full?” Let’s just say this. It is encouraged to drink heavily before and after curling. In fact some curling rinks allow you to drink on the ice — provided you put your glass on the sidelines.

Anyways our team — the Green Diesels — is a scrappy bunch of warriors who haven’t a clue what we are doing really. Our skipper tries to hold us together as best he can but usually fights a losing battle in a season that to date has been winless.

But last night the Green Diesels finally won one. Damn it, team, you can’t teach the heart we have. You can’t teach the drive or the grit. Klawman, if you managed to put in a single end of decent sweeping effort we would promise you a kidney in return should you ever need one. Won’t happen.

Next stop: The Brier.

Final thoughts

  • Why do people named Hilary always get cheated on?
  • MSG: how could you lose to the French pro league cast off? That was yours to win. We guess the elder brother remains firmly in charge of the family for another day.
  • I'm a Scientist!

    shakey wrote:

    Wanye Gretz wrote:
    Wanye…I will lose a thousand sleeps for disrespecting your name.
    And those sleeps will be haunted by that pic of Mary Ann…what a buzz kill that was.

    I am of course only kidding around about the name thing. The Mary Ann link on the other hand is far from a joke.

    "Images of Dawn Wells killed over 100 Canadians in 2009."
    – The Wanye Gretz Department of Statistics TM

  • I'm a Scientist!

    The Towel Boy wrote:

    @ Wanye Gretz:
    When else would you drive drunk?
    P.S. My team has been entered in the FAWGWYTWMWTHD …the gauntlet has been thrown down.

    ask jay bo and MacT about impaired driving at night

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Matt N wrote:

    Re: The Draft
    Buying trades is for pussys. Lets do this with no rich boys pulling a “Yankee” and buying the title.
    Re: Comrie & Strippers
    Standard. Doesn’t everyone do this when out of town away from the wife?

    spearmint rhino in vegas is my favorite

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Wanye Gretz wrote:

    “Images of Dawn Wells killed over 100 Canadians in 2009.”
    – The Wanye Gretz Department of Statistics TM

    Now that's a stat you can make a sandwich to!

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Wanye Gretz wrote:

    Luckily “Wayne Gretz” said that – whereas my fake name is Wanye.

    You know, I feel really dumb because until today, I just shrugged off that comment as something too ridiculous to understand. Only today did it suddenly make sense, like the joke your friend told you last week . . .

    Wanye Gretz wrote:

    A guy who still calls me “Wayne” instead of “Wanye” after being one of our most righteous readers for over a year shouldn’t be telling me what to call my skip.

    . . . and the lights suddenly go on. Am I the last one to get this? Really?

    [stares at ceiling, whistling tunelessly]

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Ender the Dragon wrote:

    Wanye Gretz wrote:
    Am I the last one to get this? Really?
    [stares at ceiling, whistling tunelessly]

    I am on here all the time and I didn't either. It's like a magic eye picture.

    Suddenly a pony!

    Sorry WaNYe!!!

  • I'm a Scientist!

    @ RBK:
    @ Ender the Dragon:

    Wlel, its lkie taht emial taht I'm srue yuo've porbalby gtoten befroe wehre you can raed the wrods in the emial as lnog as the frist and lsat lteters are in the rihgt sopt.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    The Towel Boy wrote:

    @ RBK:
    @ Ender the Dragon:
    Wlel, its lkie taht emial taht I’m srue yuo’ve porbalby gtoten befroe wehre you can raed the wrods in the emial as lnog as the frist and lsat lteters are in the rihgt sopt.

    That was kind of the idea. It's stealthy. I like it.

    *laughs creepily and disappears in a puff of smoke*