We were driving into NationHQ this morning and we got a text from one of the Green Diesels -– more on them later. “Did you hear that Comrie has been ordering strippers on the road despite his relationship with Hilary Duff?” We were so excited we pulled over to the side of the road and French kissed the first passerby we could lay our hands on.
Note that this story hasn’t hit the interwebs yet – once we hit publish on this story it will be the first mention that we can find anywhere. Instead this is being reported by celebrity reporter Meg Tucker on 91.7 The Bounce. Her 11 Pulitzer prizes are enough for us to 100 per cent believe this story is true.
Smarter people will reserve judgment until the facts are in before weighing in on the subject.
(three second pause)
Long enough for us. Here goes:
Oh Mike. *shakes head sadly* First you were a hometown hero that was run out of town and now can’t return. Now you cheated on Hillary Duff with greasy rippers on the road. Did we also mention you play for the Islanders and no one will sign you to a long-term deal despite the fact you consistently score every season?
Think it might be time to find a mirror and ask yourself the hard questions?
Draft pt 2
Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? The second season of the “First Annual Wanye Gretz wants you to waste more work time hockey draft” (FAWGWYTWMWTHD) is a go. But before you sign up here:
Let’s talk about champions. Here is the top ten from the first season.
We have to confess we lost interest in this draft because of people like MARTYB39, credfern75 and greenlightning86. They jumped out to a lead so fast we hadn’t even had time to figure out what was what. “Who is good this year? Is that Ovechkin ever going to amount to anything? Is Pavel Bure a good dark horse pick?”
While our mind was reeling on questions like these the top five went about dismantling the entire division within minutes of signing up. Look at that beating MARTYB39 laid on the division. Good heavens.
Well not this season, you unscrupulous bastards. We are going to bring the heat in the second half of the season. Our team — cleverly named as per usual — has been doing ‘roids during the All-Star Break while the rest of the league was on vacation. They know the responsibility of being on Wanye Gretz’s hockey draft team and if the millions in salary and thousands of puck bunnies weren’t enough, our constant harassment will be the motivating factor behind a big second half.
Join now everyone. And the funnier the names the better. After all, if you can’t be good, look good.
The biggest win of the century
We don’t make mention of it often but we are a part of the best curling team in the entire universe. Before you say, “Curling Wanye? Was the lawn dart league full?” Let’s just say this. It is encouraged to drink heavily before and after curling. In fact some curling rinks allow you to drink on the ice — provided you put your glass on the sidelines.
Anyways our team — the Green Diesels — is a scrappy bunch of warriors who haven’t a clue what we are doing really. Our skipper tries to hold us together as best he can but usually fights a losing battle in a season that to date has been winless.
But last night the Green Diesels finally won one. Damn it, team, you can’t teach the heart we have. You can’t teach the drive or the grit. Klawman, if you managed to put in a single end of decent sweeping effort we would promise you a kidney in return should you ever need one. Won’t happen.
Next stop: The Brier.
- Why do people named Hilary always get cheated on?
- MSG: how could you lose to the French pro league cast off? That was yours to win. We guess the elder brother remains firmly in charge of the family for another day.