Ever go to RX1 to see a hockey game only to see a 23-man suckfest break out instead?
Sweet Suri Cruise that was the suckiest bunch of suck that ever sucked. Hadn’t we gotten past all this nonsense with the team turning the corner of late? Hadn’t the Oilers gone into the All-Star Break having won 5 of 6? Those sucking Oilers couldn’t even suck a something something out of a… Ah, screw it. The only thing worse than witnessing a game like that is writing about a game like that. If we didn’t love the Nation so much we would be in a hole somewhere drinking to kill the pain.
We would rather have an six-hour rectal exam from an unqualified Honduran doctor with severe Parkinson’s than be forced to watch another game of that quality ever again. There was no fight. There was no fire. We can’t even recall any fisticuffs of any sort. Mind you we had seven RX1 beers to drown out the Sabres fans sitting happily beside us. That is now TWO games of that shitanusly™ awful quality we have been forced to witness this season, Nation.
The Oilers should be forced to skip practice today and instead go sit in a temporary call center and call each and every person who had to witness even a single moment of that “game” and apologize.
Liam Reddox: Hello Sir, my name is Liam and I’m calling from the Oilers…
Wanye: Yeah, what is it?
Liam Reddox: We are just calling as a courtesy today to apologize for last night’s perfor-
Wanye (cutting of Reddox): Shut it, Carrot Top. Tell your coach he’s fired.
The worst part about all of this is that the Oilers tricked us into being positive lately and then served us an all-you-can-eat shit-sandwich buffet. They (hopefully) aren’t going to lose every game down the stretch by these margins but it has re-exposed the glaring fact that when a good team decides to turn it up on these Oilers — and they are anything less than 100 per cent prepared for battle — they have a very real chance of getting destroyed.
No. We can’t be negative. We must remain positive. For the children. Let’s see what was good about last night. What were we loving?
*takes a handful of Prozac and waits for them to kick in*
Things we love about a 10-2 loss
- We were loving Dustin Penner last night — easily the best Oiler. He could easily have had four goals. We also love that had he scored those four goals it wouldn’t have even moved the Oilers within striking distance on the scoreboard.
- We love sitting down with our 37 beers to witness a friggin’ timeout 1:11 into the first period.
- We love hearing Great Big Sea’s “Ordinary Day” played so many times after Sabres goals that we had half a mind to canoe to Winnipeg and hang ourself, as the song suggests.
- We love going with our buddy to his second game of the season. The first game we went to 42 days ago? Yeah — that game. Our buddy has seen two games in RX1 this year and the Oil have been outscored 19-4. Think he’s going to be running out to buy Oilers pyjamas any time soon?
- We love sitting next to a pair of Sabres fans and listening to them cheer less and less with every passing goal. Even Sabres fans were feeling bad for us last night. We love the compassion.
And finally we love that this game didn’t happen after February 1. Had it happened then we have a sneaking suspicion there would be a bunch of people rubbing salt in our collective Oiler-shaped wounds right now. But fortunately the Oilers snuck this absolute GONG SHOW of a game before the gates to Fort OilersNation were thrown open and the citizens went out to battle. We can all suffer in peace today talking amongst ourselves.
You: “Wanye what are you talking about?”
Us: “This.” (turn up your speakers it’s way cooler)
Four days till we get to tell them all where to go and how to get there. Sweet.