What’s next? The Valley Zoo?


We vividly recall the fiasco when Jason Gregor decided to try and expand our minds and talk about a different local team: the Edmonton Rush. We also remember the hilarious backlash he suffered and how we ourselves chimed in saying we know little about local sports and can’t think of a reason to start caring.

We love backlash

And so here is our article about a local sporting squadron. For you see last night, against our better judgment, we went to an Edmonton Capitals game. For those of you in the Nation who aren’t fortunate enough to hail from Edmonton or surrounding area, the Edmonton Capitals are the minor, minor, minor league independent baseball team with no affiliate to any major league squadron and is independent in it’s non-affiliation status. Translation: this ain’t the Major Leagues kids.

They play here at Telus Field, which is the northernmost ball park in professional baseball:


Now ordinarily we would rather spend a quiet afternoon with Amy Winehouse than attend a local sporting event not involving the Oilers. Call us jaded, ignorant or emotionally cold, that is just how we roll.

That is, until last night when the OilersNinja rolled into Wanye Manor™  and announced that today was the day that we were going to attend a Capitals game. We recently decided to live fraternity house style with the OilersNinja, MSG and a player to be named later. And the new house – a bit of a fixer upper (read: crack shack) – is basically in the infield of Telus Field. And the OilersNinja rightfully pointed out that “while not technically hockey, supporting the Capitals will eventually reduce the tax loss suffered by your hero Kay-Z. Plus we can figure out why they fire off so many fireworks.” Not having a BlackBerry to keep us entertained, we agreed to go.



We kid you not – it seems that at the end of every game, inning and at bat these Capitals are firing off fireworks in jubilant celebration. If it isn’t the fireworks, it’s a movie, projected in the infield, that goes till 3 AM. If it’s not fireworks or a movie it’s a concert of some variety.

But rather than letting all the noise draw us inside the building, we have suspiciously eyed Telus Field in passing for close to three months now and spoken in hushed tones, lest the ever present parking staff intercept our conversation.

“What do you think happens in there?”
“Think it’s baseball? I bet it’s baseball”
“Who cares about baseball?”
“I care about baseball.”
“You are sort of a loser though to be fair.”

We should mention that have a special hatred for Telus Field. The last time we attended a game we were in Grade One on a class trip. We ate a hot dog and suffered some of the worst food poisoning known to 6 year old man. Think we were in a big hurry to take our life in our hands again? Hells n-o.

Anyways – the Game

Ok the Capitals lost 7-2 or something. We have to admit that we were wrong and we actually had a reasonably fun time. This could be because they have the cheapest beers for sale at any sporting event in town. 4 dollar beers? Get outta here! We can have all sorts of fun with 4 dollar beers being served. Plus players were hitting foul balls every other pitch and we were secretly hoping one would mildly injure one of the ladies in attendance and we could rush in to perform CPR.

We don’t know enough to pass judgment on the quality of baseball the Capitals play, but it seemed big league enough to us. The pitch-o-meter on the scoreboard kept showing pitches over 90 mph. Our days playing MLB on Playstation tells us that this is decent enough heat.

They have this dude Walter Young


He is an absolute giant. We went to the Capitals website to take a look at how big this Walter Young is and we were slapped in the face by an absence of statistics:


In any event, we promised the OilersNinja that if we had a good time we would write about it on this here non pornographic website. And yes, there might be some people who rightfully say “this isn’t about Dany Heatley, nor a Dany Heatley trade.” Others too will say “where am I Wanye – capitalsnation.com??”

But there isn’t a Capitals Nation and 24 hours ago we would have said “good.” But we went down to the game and had 28 dollars worth of beer, sat outside and discussed dismembering Dany Heatley. And good times were had by all. To be truthful, we still don’t care all that much about local sports and probably never will. But from now on when we are half asleep on a work night and we hear fireworks being shot off into the air we will briefly smile before cursing and go back to sleep.

And odds are, we will attend another game this season. Until of course the Oilers hold a development camp at Millenium Place or something equally awesome.

Then we are back to business.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    ronaldo wrote:

    it would be like The Highlander where we all battle, chopping of each others’ heads, until there is only one

    I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings. I have no Rival, no man can be my equal.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    I went to a Capitals game a couple months ago, awesome time.

    We got kicked out cause a friend tried to smoke in the stands. The stands were empty and no one was around, and we tried to apologize but still got understandably kicked out.

    A friend of mine was loaded and was doing a lot of heckling. After getting kicked out he climbed onto the bus shelter outside the stadium wall where he was able to stand and overlook the right field wall very easily. He started yelling some pretty offensive stuff at the opposing team's right fielder while he was warming up in between innings and the last comment he made was something lame about how the fielder threw like a girl.

    The right fielder got pissed and gunned a ball at him pretty damn hard. It really came pretty close to hitting him and my friend had to duck. The ball luckily went over the street (river valley road?). My friend is an idiot and I don't support him heckling but the fact that he had a ball ripped at him like it came out of a cannon by a professional ball player is a memorable story.

    I've never seen anything like it.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Ok so ive posted a few times here since recently finding this god given site of oilerism. I must say you guys are the shiite. How you turn a night out at a caps game into manitoba whores and all night beer fests at hudsons will always keep me coming back! Loyal to the Oil Boys. Keep it comin.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    haha thats the first time ive gotten a "This comment is awaiting moderation" sign before 😛 it may be because I said you guys are the sh*t which is of course a compliment.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    @ Dustin F*ckin T:

    Thanks for the compliments dude – consider the waiting in moderation to be a gift of welcome. The site puts comments in moderation if they contain a link or contain one of "Bingofuels 30 no-no words."

    @ Nik:

    As memory serves the $32 Wanye Bundle contains the following:

    2L Rubbing Alcahol
    A pack of smokes
    A balloon for the kids

  • I'm a Scientist!

    You know It actually doesnt surprise me that they were able to do that nosebleed because i mean honestly think about who were talking about here.

    I'd like to also add im stuck way the hell out here in nova scotia so keep the oilers news coming and for god sakes someone send me an oil care package im so alone…..so cold….*sniff*…..Gilbert is that you…