Are You There Death? It’s Me, Amber

"I swear if Dustin Penner gets a hat trick I’ll slit my wrists." – Amber McCormick

I’m used to being made a fool of. It’s second nature to me at this point. Normally it’s my own fault when I find myself in a situation of embarrassment and shame. I don’t have a social filter and have a tendency to say the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times.

This time it’s different. This time I’m convinced that Dustin Penner is making a mockery of me with his donair douchebaggery. For two seasons I have supported him and loved him unconditionally. Each season, consistently, he’s let me down. This season I said to myself, "Self, enough. No more." Hence, Penner became my goat.

Sure as shit, Dustin Penner has once again fought back. It’s hurtful. Why couldn’t he have been this man when I loved him?

It’s much like my favourite made for TV movie, "I’m Not Leaving Without My Daughter Cause You’re Abusive And I Have A Brain Tumor. Also, Your Drinking Problem Is Tearing Us Apart”. I defended him, I made excuses for his behavior and the black eyes (I swear, I ran into a door). The day came when I finally left and began to put the pieces of my shattered life back together. It’s like when you break up with someone because you realize that you don’t want the same things. "I don"t want to get married. I don’t want kids," he says. Six months later you have the misfortune of running into him and his new, pregnant with twins, wife.

I know his performance bodes well for the team and we always promised we would do what was best for "the kids" but I’m still feeling a little scorned. Great performance or not, you’re still my goat.

  • Gerald R. Ford

    lol @ travis… join a legal club or talk hockey…
    penner is playing fannnnnnnntastic much to the dismay of my flamer counterparts as i called this one to be his motivated season and not a dam person believed me… its like his passive, fragile ego and procrastinatory style needs a reason to keep on trying or rather not to coast… the hardest part being getting the ball rolling… smells of hemmer-oids…

  • Travis Dakin

    Are we serious here? I mean are we still at the point where people are complaining because a "woman" is writing a sports article? Do I actually live amongst people that really have an issue with these things?

    Coming on to a blog and ripping on someone while under the disguise of a pseudonym is the same as those punk kids that vandalize property or bus shelters or something. Seriously… how cool is that? Wow, you're an a$$hole and no one will ever know.

    The Drew tells Brownlee to get a life at the end of a Sexist, anonymous rant. Absolutely hilarious. It's embarrassing to me that we as a society allow people like this to walk among us.

  • Amber – Looks like there's a few clowns who have the "giving people a laugh or even a moderate, stifled giggle" thing down to a science – in the bad way.

    Sexism. Really. In 2009.

    Please keep on posting. I'm curious to hear what happens when Penner finally does bag 3.

    • Hemmertime

      Ya, I just wish it was

      "I swear if Dustin Penner gets a hat trick I’ll rock the shower at Diamonds." – Amber McCormick

      Then it would get real interesting instead of depressing.

  • Sammy D

    ya know… kissing ambers ass wont make her like u… it takes a strong masculine touch and the occasional "put in your place" fist…

    besides sexism is hilarious.

  • It's not so bad.

    I've been a fan of Penner all along and he's finally been given a chance to prove me right.

    Now the only problem is, I was also backing that Horcoff who is making me look really bad right now.

  • Sammy D

    Josh,

    I just clicked on 'Voices of the Nation' and I saw Amber's name there… Funny thing – I didn't see yours… If you want to rip someone for their opinion, and back it up with thought provoking commentary of your own, that's fine… Bring in gender as your only argument and you just show yourself to be the sad, lonely, and single person for whom you really are.

    Amber, for the sake of the team, I hope that Penner scores a whole freaking bunch… for your sake I hope they are all two-goal games (plus a SO winner here and there – they don't count as a Hat-trick… right Ovie?)

  • ^Looks like somebody's still choked women won the right to vote.

    I think the problem between MacT and Penner last year had alot to do with the fact MacT knew deep inside that Dustin could be as good as he's playing now. No doubt it pretty much drove MacT insane knowing Penner had so much more to give. There's probably alot of nights that find MacT at the bar downing multiple triple scotches and moaning "NOW you decide to play!!!", just before he passes out in inebriated frustration.

      • BarryS

        – Well, they lost something when they wanted the vote, husbands used to vote as their wives told them to. Now they have there own vote, their husbands are free to vote for the first name they can read. –

        – Equal play is a good thing as it will mean they will pay more taxes those their husbands voted for, (see above) can spend on important things like fact finding missions to warm places in winter, or important sporting events needing their presence. – 🙂

  • 442Junkie

    Wow this just proves why women should not be allowed to talk about sports, fantastically retarded comments I hope D P gets his trick and that you are a person of your word!!!

    • Amber McCormick

      Thank you Josh. the last time this clown wrote something this idiotic i ripped on her and gave props to Gregor and Brownlee. Brownlee came to her aid of course which is lame because whenever someone gives you a complement you shouldn't diss them back so in my opinion now he's pretty stupid. as for this one i have no problem if chicks follow sports but not ones who are freelance writers and all they can get is a blog where there topics have no real meaning or importance. Go oilers and Go Penner i always knew he had it in him and at hopefully she keeps her word and we won't have to see anymore pathetic topics from her. As for Brownlee get a shrink, a life and a year pass at Jenny Craig. Go Oilers I'm out .

      The Drew

      • Amber McCormick

        Drew,

        I appreciate your opinion, everyone is entitled to one. I'm going to leave my wit at the door on this one and speak to you frankly. Referring to people as idiotic, pathetic, and stupid is a sure fire way to hurt someone's feelings. I recall your comment from my last post saying the next time you saw an article from me you were going to skip it. I wish you would keep YOUR word on that promise.

        People are very quick to pass judgement on someone thoughts no matter how tongue-in-cheek, and sarcastic they are. But until the day you have the courage to write out your thoughts and post them out in the cosmic void of the internet, your opinions don't hold much weight.

        I think that your attacks on Robin Brownlee are incredibly childish. Yes, Brownlee came to my defense over your previous attack and I thank him for that. Brownlee, who writes for a living and does an incredible job, has been nothing but supportive to all of us who contribute. It's no secret that I'm not a professional writer and this is a hobby for me. But there are plenty of people who enjoy what I write. And giving people a laugh or even a moderate, stifled giggle is enough for me to continue.

        Amber

  • 442Junkie

    Amber my friend (I call you that even though we've never met, talked or even exchanged long glances while I was on a cross country trip to Marineland with my wife and kids while she was sleeping and you were in a Ferrari) I feel the need to tell you you're wrong about PDP. Sure, he eats the donair meat right off the giant spit like it's a popcicle. He's somehow leaner and driven. It's your fault. You left, you abandoned him, now the "popcicles" just don't taste as good he's cut back and is trying to win you back. You must keep him ay arms length. We don't need him to revert back to his old ways.

    On a side note, it's better to cut along the arm. Across takes longer and is more of a cry for help.

    Chin up, blades closed,
    Junkie.

  • Victoria

    Crappy deal, Amber.

    I'm the opposite, I ripped Penner for the last two years, but I've got a pretty good feeling about chubbs this season (hence him being my 'star' of the year). No MacT = no monkey on his back

  • Muji 狗

    I asked Dustin if he wanted to hit up Whyte Ave for a donair or ten. His response: "nah, I'm too busy being awesome and proving all the haters wrong… Baaaaah"

  • Ender

    When we first posted our stars and goats, I noticed that the only 'Voice of the Nation' that shared my goat was Amber. "Well," I thought, "At least someone who knows something about hockey shares my opinion.

    Amber, all I can say is this; when we picked our goat, we picked him because we figured we knew who he really was – a spoiled, selfish, lazy ape who had taken advantage of the Oilers in a vulnerable moment and made them commit when they were on the rebound. And honestly, seven fantastic games aside, I'm not a believer yet.

    Penner is still my goat, and Amber and I are going to look six shades of clairavoyant when the real PDP realizes that playing 82 games in a season is, like, work and stuff and reverts back to his old habits. Yes, he may be on pace today for 105 points this season, but I for one will not be shocked if, all that aside, his points as an Oiler this year still end up being lower than last year.

    Stay the course, Amber. The imposter trying to make a pitch for the first line will disappear before your very eyes soon enough; count on it.

  • Librarian Mike

    Sounds like you need to blast some Alanis and down a couple of bottles of wine with your girlfriends.

    The thing to remember, Amber, is that guys like that die in their own arms.