Are You There Death? It’s Me, Amber

"I swear if Dustin Penner gets a hat trick I’ll slit my wrists." – Amber McCormick

I’m used to being made a fool of. It’s second nature to me at this point. Normally it’s my own fault when I find myself in a situation of embarrassment and shame. I don’t have a social filter and have a tendency to say the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times.

This time it’s different. This time I’m convinced that Dustin Penner is making a mockery of me with his donair douchebaggery. For two seasons I have supported him and loved him unconditionally. Each season, consistently, he’s let me down. This season I said to myself, "Self, enough. No more." Hence, Penner became my goat.

Sure as shit, Dustin Penner has once again fought back. It’s hurtful. Why couldn’t he have been this man when I loved him?

It’s much like my favourite made for TV movie, "I’m Not Leaving Without My Daughter Cause You’re Abusive And I Have A Brain Tumor. Also, Your Drinking Problem Is Tearing Us Apart”. I defended him, I made excuses for his behavior and the black eyes (I swear, I ran into a door). The day came when I finally left and began to put the pieces of my shattered life back together. It’s like when you break up with someone because you realize that you don’t want the same things. "I don"t want to get married. I don’t want kids," he says. Six months later you have the misfortune of running into him and his new, pregnant with twins, wife.

I know his performance bodes well for the team and we always promised we would do what was best for "the kids" but I’m still feeling a little scorned. Great performance or not, you’re still my goat.

  • Petr's Jofa

    According to Puckdaddy, Penner is on pace for 59g 47a and 106p this year… I kinda put up with him for the past two years, and to begin this year I was honestly optimistic that Penner would finally earn his contract (I swear!!).

    Thanks for the awesome article Amber, and re the criticsm — I am actually in disbelief that there are people that are still that ignorant. Anyway keep up the good work, more humor every day is always appreciated.

  • Sorry man. The "everyone is entitled to their opinion" schtick is how radical communism, Sharia Law and greenpeace are still in existence.

    Bitter commentary to make oneself feel superior is only reserved for the Ed Hardy t-shirt crew. And everybody knows what we call those guys.

    At the end of the day, there's nothing hotter than a woman who crosses the floor and gets involved in the discussion of sports. I do wish we had more of them here. But don't expect them to be spitting on the floor, crushing Pilsners and installing bull nuts on their F350's.

  • Ender

    rickithebear wrote:

    As for your Trite rehtoric. Try being a man who is the primary custodial parent. See how many hoops you have to jump thru to get the same action a single mother gets. I am still waiting for my child support.

    Been there, done that. Two young kids. Didn't ask for child support. Made out fine. Not sure what that has to do with anything in this article.

    rickithebear wrote:

    Josh was dislplaying humour or he was not.

    He was not. Humour does not have one referring to another's comments as 'retarded' and insinuating that their death would make one happy. It was an overt personal attack without provocation. And before you try to insinuate that Amber did the same thing to Penner, reflect on the points that A) you admit that you understand Amber was joking, and B) she lampooned herself more than PDP.

    It is different. If you can't see that . . . well, then nothing I can say will help you. Good luck with being bitter and all; let me know how that works out for you.

  • GSP

    I dont believe it…she really is a blogger here…I have been following the nation for a couple months and kept seeing the name "Amber" but other than the goat picks I never saw a post from "Amber".

    I am glad to see the Nation has a female voice as most of us testosterone prompted men talk nonsense when it comes to the sports teams we love or hate.

    As for your topic of PDP…I too had written him off and I am more than willing to eat crow if he has a great season and propels us to the playoffs. Unfortunately for you, slitting your wrists is alot more painful than I eating crow…lol….

    Loved the post by the by

  • Petr's Jofa

    Wow…interesting comments today. Amber, enjoyed the piece today. I wrote a few times this past summer, usually after someone took an unsolicited shot at him, that Penner would rebound this year and earn his contract. Not because I am pyschic but for some of the same reasons Gregor wrote about.
    Go Oilers…

  • Any time any of you want a piece of me im ready. This has been my third post because i dont have time to waste sitting around all day blogging like some people. So anytime anyone wants a piece of me come get it. My only beef is with people who post topics with no really meaning at all. No merit on actual matters, only how they feel about players looks or in this case their suicide feelings. Some people like me are true oilers fans and will cheer this team for life and not get all emotional with players weights calling Penner fat or anything. Those of you who took it upon yourself to post something about me that wasnt so nice woopie doo good for you whatever helps you sleep at night your not worth anyones time accept those who are as pathetic as you. One dude said hes sad that people like me walk among us, lol give me a break sweetie. Those of you who agree with me thanks. Go oilers Go oilersnation im far from a sexist i just dont like dumb opinions keep it to yourself or youll be told what you deserve.

    The Drew

    • Vanguard

      What are you, like 12 years old? Did you actually use the phrase "anytime you want a piece of me"? LMAO.

      Keep up the articles Amber, like our 'ol drunken pal Wayne, you keep this site not just informative but entertaining.

    • danjo1

      I'll meet you by the bicycle rack after school today to defend Amber's right to post hilarious articles mocking herself for not jumping on the Dustin Penner bandwagon…

      But first tell me this… is anything she stated in her article incorrect? Is it not true that Penner did in fact come to camp overweight the previous two years? Didn't he finally come in shape this year?