THE TRAGEDY OF THE JORDAN EBERLE CONTRACT

Disappointing news out of Edmonton Oilers HQ broke this afternoon with the announcement that the Oilers extended the contract of Jordan Eberle by a mere six years for a piddling 36 million dollars. This is not only a terrible sum and an awful term, but it also provides a chilling insight into what the future holds for us all.

 In signing Eberle to a six year extension the Oilers have confirmed several facts about the near future:

1. THE WORLD ENDS IN 2019

 

It’s clear that the Oilers brass have determined that some sort of extinction level event will occur in the 2019 offseason. The only conceivable reason not to sign 14 past this point is that humanity itself will come to conclusion and contracts past this point will be meaningless.

The Oilers haven’t pin pointed the last day on Earth as of yet, but are sure to release more information as it gets closer on the horizon. Personally we don’t want to live in a world where the Oilers don’t have Jordan Eberle under contract, so this will be as good a time as any to make peace with the Almighty anyway.

It’s going to happen. You’ll see.

2. NUMBERS WILL STOP AT SIX MILLION

At some point in the next six years, a consortium of scientists, economic types and calculators around the world are going to declare 6 million to be the highest unit of measurement recognized by GAAP and other accepted numbering conventions.

"How much money is Bill Gates worth?" people will ask and the reply will come "oh man he is crazy rich. I’ve heard as high as six million in the bank."

Same will go in other fields of studies. It will be widely accepted that 6,000,000 people live on Earth. 6 million stars will light up the night sky. The clothing line Billionaire Boys Club will be forced to dial back it’s largesse to a more manageable "6 Million Dollar Boys Club"

It’s going to happen. You’ll see.

3. EBERLE IS THE NEXT CAPTAIN OF THE OIL

It’s going to happen. You’ll see.

EXPERT ANALYSIS

When this contract expires, the Oilers brass review the books and see all of the millions lying about the offices that could have been given to Jordan Eberle they will realize the magnitude of their mistake and won’t see employment in any executive capacity for the remainder of their lives.

May history find some way to rationalize this obviously terrible decision.

#SQUEEEEEE

  • This day is a tragedy of Biblical proportions. OMG. what were brass thinking with this 6 million dollar a year contract. Where in God’s name did they get such a ridiculous figure from anyways? There needs to be a lawsuit by someone.6 million a year times 6 years. We’ll be all broke. Whats next for goodness sake. RNH at 6 million a year? Yakupov at 6 million a year? Next thing you know we’ll be paying J .Willis 6 million a year. 99 bottles of beer on the wall……

  • Lofty

    I don’t think Eberle’s numbers will go down much if any. More firepower up front and a slightly improved defense will benefit everyone. The pure talent level in the forwards has increased to the point where everyone is going to benefit. Great deal for everyone.

  • Did you know that if you add “Mayan” and “Eberle” in binary code and then convert it to decimal you get 2019¹? CREEPY!

    P.S. Horrible how management is securing the future of the franchise, it will be the death of wandering in the wilderness hockey in northern alberta!

    ¹ I doubt it does. I never checked. Who knows.

  • justDOit

    The people here who I really feel sorry for on this forum, are the ones who have a legitimate comment to make. This thing is so far off the rails, I can see a yellow dotted line.

  • Cowbell_Feva

    I’m lovin’ it!! Glad to have Eb’s for another 7 years. Thats two of the studs locked up long term. This time next year I would love to see RNH picking up the same contract.

    Whenever there is hockey, I will be excited to watch!!

  • Oilers4ever

    Are you kidding me? Whining because he got one year less that Hallsy? Sorry, but so long as Taylor is around, Jordan will never be a captain on this team. I can see him and Nuge being A’s, but never the C. Taylor is the leader of this team and unless he plays himself off of it because of injuries, that won’t change.

    I think this is a smart move by mgmt. It will give time when each of these contracts expire so that they they can renew one without worrying about the other one at the same time. This will continue to roll down with the contracts for RNH and Yaks.

    Now just get the damn CBA done so we can start preseason already!

    • justDOit

      Well it was off the rails instantly, and it’s no big surprise that as the evening wore on, so too did the mood. Still, one of the more interesting and funny threads in some time.

  • Reg Dunlop

    Do you really think the world will end in 2019 or are you just kidding?

    Props to Ben, Big Ben, for speaking his mind. Eb’s new contract is a goodie and all y’all are being stupids for picking on Ben. Big, fat stupids. PLease, Ben, contribute here more often.

  • Based on the old CBA the 2012-13 cap will be $70.2 million. Based on the owners’ latest proposal it will be $58 million. 16 teams are already over $58 million with a couple more likely to join before opening day, whenever that is. Of course the final figure, while impossible to pinpoint, will probably end up in the low 60s. The Oilers are at $62.8 mil, but there are a few teams kissing close to $70M.

    The question is – How are the team going to get under the cap? All deals rolled back 10%? A one year amnesty? What effect will this have on some of the wild deals handed out this summer and the more reasoned pair the Oil have inked? I guess it will have to be negotiated but I wonder what is the most likely outcome.

  • book¡e

    To be fair to the critics, if the business side of ON is serious about making millions of $$ off of their efforts, they should have ensured that a serious analysis go up alongside of this more ‘philosophical’ work by Wante. This signing was not a surprise.

    • The thing of it is, this is one of the few actual readable articles surrounding the Eberle signing for guys who aren’t Excel jockeys. An alternative take. Hockey fun??? How refreshing!

      There’s craploads of places you can read objective/subjective pros and cons articles about yet another Oilers core player signing, all saying pretty much the same thing. Bluh, bluh,bluh. And I’m quite sure we’ll hear the Eberle regression pitch again soon enough – for the jillionth time I might add. YAY!

      *Besides, I still haven’t heard any explanation for that stack of fives.

      **SQUEEE

      ***FISTPUMP

    • geoilersgist

      I forgot about that absolutely golden video. My production at work just went through the roof.*
      Also Haters gonna Hate.

      *Wanyes articles are pure gold every time.

  • If they are willing to sign similar deals at reasonable rates I would not be opposed to them expiring at the same time.

    I would have preferred 7 or 8 years if they were giving the same number. We are buying one less UFA year and still paying him the same amount. If they did not want them expiring the same year they should have given him the option of 5.75 mil for 6 years or 6 mil for 8 years.

  • @David S

    There are times in an evening when a Gentleman needs to have a stack of fives at the ready. You can buy lots of things for $5, things you wouldn’t want four of for $20.

    @Haters

    KISSES!

  • Whaaaaaats that you say?????

    Who cares about the money already,everyones got money in the NHL,these days,open your eyes man,WINNING THE STANLEY CUP is back in fashion.

    The grass is always greener type of thing,you know???

    This had to happen once salarys stabilised,players want the CUP now ,they all already accomplished the money part,so there is no motivator there anymore,its about winning again not money.

    In the old days players WON the cup to make more money,now they have the money and they want the cup,ha ha ha.

  • stretch14

    ‘Are you kidding me? Whining because he got one year less that Hallsy? Sorry, but so long as Taylor is around, Jordan will never be a captain on this team. I can see him and Nuge being A’s, but never the C. Taylor is the leader of this team and unless he plays himself off of it because of injuries, that won’t change.

    I think this is a smart move by mgmt. It will give time when each of these contracts expire so that they they can renew one without worrying about the other one at the same time. This will continue to roll down with the contracts for RNH and Yaks.

    Now just get the damn CBA done so we can start preseason already!

    bang on. Hall already is the captain of this team, they’re just keeping the C on Horc to justify his contract. 6mil for Ebs might be a bit of an overpayment, but not too much to complain.