2014 GOAT SELECTION

With every single second the 2014-15 NHL season draws closer. For NHL players this means coming to camp in shape, ready for another season of heart pounding exercise. For fans of NHL teams this means coming to camp in no shape whatsoever ready for another season of heart damaging couch potatoing.

It also means it’s time to pick our Goats and Stars for the year.

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WHAT IS A GOAT?

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Like literally what is a goat? Please. For the uninitiated please familiarize yourself by watching the cutest goat video montage that the internets have to offer at the start of this “article.” A goat in the context of OilersNation is the player you nominate who will be the fall guy for all of the trials and tribulations of the 2014-15 Oilers.

As 2009 Wanye put it so succinctly:

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Ales Hemsky whiffs one? Damn the Goat for passing him the puck in such an off tempo manner. Oh it wasn’t the Goat that passed him the puck? Damn his poor positional play causing a hurried pass. Goat boy wasn’t on the ice for the whiff? Curse his bench sitting technique all to hell!

Now should your Goat actually cause some sort of unfortunate incident on the ice? Now you’re talking! Friends witnessing the gaffe will often look to you and say “good call going with ___ as your Goat this season. That guy is twelve shades of crap.” You can then sit back, smug in your predictory skills, almost taking pleasure at the brutalness of Senor Goato.

We nominate Goats on OilersNation so that we can vent all of our frustrations on a single player rather than blaming the “team” the “organization” or “the fact the Hockey Gods hate us.” Focusing blame allows you to be more positive overall. 

It isn’t the PK going 0 for 9 last night that cost the Oilers the game. It was your damned Goat. He was sitting there all “whatever” on the bench, buffing his nails, thinking about the lifestyle that winning the 50-50 would bring. He wasn’t into the game at all. Damn him to hell on the 2:30 Express Train!*

2014 GOAT

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It used to be so much easier when Grebeshkov was an Oiler. In those years these things wrote themselves. I would nominate Grebs, we would all laugh and then I’d go look for the picture Towel Boy made in 1927 of Grebs with a goat head and post it on the internets. 

But now things are way different. Grebeshkov isn’t even an option anymore, although that didn’t stop MacT from bringing him back for a cup of goat coffee last season did it? Ha ha ha no, sadly he thought ol Grebs had more in the tank than he did. Isn’t the slow physical and mental decline of professional athletes funny?** 

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Luckily there is no such shelf life for hockey blogging types, taking pot shots from the cheap seats.

ITS ALL YOUR FAULT JEFF PETRY

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Jeff Francis Petry. You have been a thorn in my side since you laced em up in the Copper and Blue. You are so soft. And don’t think I didn’t notice you trying to grow out your hair in your best Tom Gilbert impersonation last year. That was so annoying.

Man, even your career stats are grating. Did you really attend something called “St. Mary’s Preparatory High School?” Ugh. That sounds like a private school for rich elites named “Chet” and “Chase” who talk at length about the proper knot used for tying one’s yacht to the deck at the Summer Harvest Ball.

Sorry “Jeff”, but this is Edmonton. We pride ourselves on hard work up here. And grit. And attending schools that don’t close – even if it is -40 degrees. We wear hard hats up here. All day every day. Even when we are asleep lest some hard work be brought our way during the night and we have to jump into action.

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Why can’t you be better Jeff? Lord knows Kay-Z pays you enough money to dominate. 3.075 million dollars for Jeff Petry ladies and gentlemen. What does an actual good defenceman make these days? It boggles the mind! It’s like they just took the Grebeshkov contract out of the “waste of money contract folder” that is somewhere at Oilers Head Office, dusted it off and just did a quick find and replace on this one.

Yuck, yuck, yuck. 3 million for Petry. It is all your fault Sir. Even when it isn’t.

Then it totally is.

Who are you blaming?

*No such train exists.

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**It most certainly is not.


  • Bishai in the Benches

    I think Petry could earn his lofty salary if he just tapped more teammates in the shin pads with his stick. That’s what a leader does. None of this “driving possession better than the majority of the other oilers D men” nonsense. He’s not even a good Canadian boy!!! That basically makes him goat material just because of that. He needs to yell more “hustle hard”‘s and “let’s get er back”‘s, maybe even a couple “WHEELS WHEELS” from the bench. That’s what a true star does. Goats like petry just play solid two-way defense, skate well, and make good outlet passes. This season the only way petry will avoid his goat moniker will be if he decides that #GRIT and taking roughing penalties after the whistle is vastly more important than winning the Corsi battle and ensuring the puck is in the opposition’s end.

    I want to see 18 shin pad stick taps and at least 7 uses of affectionate nicknames like Hallsy/Fayner/Auliesy/Nugenter-Hopkinsy per game. That’s what turns a goat into a star.

    • Sevenseven

      He’s actually a really good candidate in the early going. Living up to that contract will be tough, but if he has troubles early and cant play at even an average level, he’s gonna wear horns for sure. Great leader and citizen that he’s turned out to be Ferknuckle could find himself in the conversation if the rest of the D starts to pass him by.

  • vetinari

    Schultz. How dare he try and insert himself into any conversation about who is untouchable on our roster:

    MacTavish: “Well, I guess if you ask who I think are our foundation stones, I would have to say, Hall, Nuge and Eb’s…”

    (Voice out of nowhere): “And Schultz. Don’t forget Schultz, chief!”

    MacTavish” “I guess Schultz, too.”

    (Voice again): “And remind people that he could be a Norris candidate in a year or two.”

    MacTavish: “And he could have Norris potential in the next few years. Wait. Who said that?”

    (Schultz runs away, clutching his new contract, giggling. Unfortunately, this happens while the game is in progress and Vancouver breaks out 3 on none on us since Schultz was off ice, out of position).

    Schultz. Dang Schultz… trying to be Gretzky by putting a “z” in his name…

  • beloch

    I’m going to go with MacT’s obvious choice for goat: Nikita Nikitin. Why do I say this is MacT’s choice? He took a guy who struggled on the BJ’s third pair last season and is now paying him more than any other blueliner on the team. MacT has practically staked Nikky out for the T-Rex.

  • justDOit

    This was kind of funny, until it started to sound like a Cloutier rant about Petry.

    Personally, I think choosing a goat is for negative ninnies, and there will be no goat this year for the Oilers.

  • The Soup Fascist

    I think Ted Purcell will sprout horns and poop pellets.

    Why??:

    1) He threw like 12 hits last year – 12! – all season!

    2) He is 6’3″ and 200 lbs. See above.

    3) He played for a USHL team whose nickname was the RoughRiders (this one is for Lowetide)

    4) He is a Newfie …

    …wait, I thought he was an American. I can’t “goatify” a Newfie.

    O.K. my backup goat is the new DJ at the Oilers games. Unlike Gregor, I didn’t notice a big uptick in the music quality and at least once per period last night he started playing the next song while play was going. Rookie, rookie move. He is on a short leash in my opinion.