Before I kick off the 2015-16 Goat Witch hunt and explain it to anyone unfamiliar with what is going on here – there is a disclaimer that should
I have half a mind to nominate Peter Chiarelli as my 2015-16
The damned guy went and shipped Nikitin to Bakersfield
smashing my goat plans right in the grill on the eve of the season starting. Come on Peter. Give me a break.
Nikitin is the worst signing since the invention of the pen. And you have the
audacity to send him down to the minors? What is happening here? We let our
goats fester in the lineup around here Sir.
We don’t send down D with rich NHL
contracts unless they are sexy Sheldon Souray and are burying him in the minors
due to a personal grudge with management. Maybe you are new to the job so we
will cut you some slack. But for a Harvard grad you seem quite
unfamiliar with the intellectual skill level required to be Oilers GM.
But we are getting ahead of ourselves here. What is a goat?
2009 Wanye – bless his heart he had no idea how long his hopes and dreams were
about to rest on the ocean floor of the NHL – said it best.
The purpose of picking a Goat is to be able to hang your hat on an Oiler and blame him for the entire buffet table of bitter tasting woe that the Oilers serve us on such a regular basis. When you name a particular player as your Goat he becomes the whipping boy for the entire team and a theraputic release for all things bad.
That makes sense 2009 Wanye. Remind me to tell you about how Robbie Schremp will turn out by 2015 when we have a minute. You will be amazed.
ANYWHOO BACK TO GOATING
We name goats so that you channel all your negativity and
frustration at one player not the whole team. It may sound silly but I STILL find myself blaming long time goat Denis Grebeshkov for things going wrong on the ice and he hasn’t been an Oiler for years! Thats classic goat echoing if ever I saw it.
A goat can’t be someone who has nominal expectations on the
team and lives up to them. A 4th line winger can’t really be a goat
– what do you expect him to do? Score 50 and be inducted mid career into the
HHOF? No a goat needs to be someone that is paid highly, has high expectations
and for whatever reason insists on being garbage, eating garbage and other
goatie things that goats do.
Everything is the goat’s fault. Everything.
So who is left let’s see here. No Nikitin. No Scrivens. In fact the goalies listed as 1 and 2 in the depth charts have never appeared in a regular season game for the Oilers, have never let us down or broken our hearts. They won’t work as a goat either.
(scans lineup in a stern manner looking for goats)
McDavid – Not even a chance
Eberle – Clearly no
Hall – No although tempting
Letestu – that’s cold give him a break
Kiri Te Kanawa – oh wait that’s a New Zealand opera singer whose voice has been described as “mellow yet vibrant, warm, ample and unforced.” She can’t be a goat.
Well hello there Justin Schultz. You will fit the bill
nicely. Note Tambo getting out Katz’s chequebook to throw at Justin in the photo.
When Justin Schultz signed with the Oilers I thought Bobby
Orr reincarnate had just agreed to play for the team. I gloated to any and all who were listening that the other
29 teams couldn’t touch what the Oil had to offer Schultz – a cool young team
with super studs and a future so bright you gotta wear a welding mask.
strike happened and Justin went to the AHL and proceeded to lead the entire
league in scoring – the entire league fancy that! Then he came to the big leagues. Then Dallas Eakins forced him to give up all his free wheeling ways and creativity went on the shelf in favour of carrying wood and chopping water. Then Eakins got the ol boot and Schultz never recovered. And then we arrived at where we are today. All this guy needs is a poorly planned EPCOR commercial and he his a certified Goat across the board.
There is a verb for Justin Schultz goating up the
ice for heaven’s sakes. ‘Jultzing’ is a real thing and in the Oxford dictionary to boot. If that doesn’t
make a man goat worthy I don’t know what does.
I want you to be good Justin. So badly. The Oilers need you to step up. I want you to win the Norris
and vindicate MacT’s bold predictions. But I also see a tendency in your play
to be butter soft. I’ve seen people around NationHQ fight harder for Friday morning off than I have seen in your on ice play.
Gone are the days where you would be behind the offensive net pinching in further than anyone I have ever seen. Your tactical wrist shots don’t find the net with frequency anymore. Completed crisp passes from the point into the slot are rarely seen. You have forgotten what you are good at, aren’t good at what
Eakins wanted you to be good at and now are caught in this no man’s land where I
can’t figure out what you are anymore. I have figured out that you are making $3.9 million this season however. For that kind of smoke we need to see more.
In a season of positivity I proclaim you my Goat. May you
live with the responsibility and the alternating shame and pride forever.
Who are you naming as your Goat this season? Leave your
goat-shaming comments below.