What a way to come back from the long weekend, amirite? After weeks of waiting and speculation, Leon Draisaitl signed a $112 million contract extension with the Edmonton Oilers on Tuesday morning, and I wanted to offer up a few ideas on how he can spend that money.

What would you do with it if you were given $112 million over the next eight years? I’m assuming the honest answer is putting the cash towards all kinds of boring things like investments, savings, and bonds, as well as taking care of your family. Blah blah blah, but what fun is that? No fun — that’s the answer. I want to know about the dumb spending ideas. But even though there’s no way Draisaitl needs any help spending his hard-earned cash, that doesn’t mean that I can’t offer some ideas on what he can do anyway.

With that in mind, I’ve compiled a list of ideas to get Draisaitl’s creative juices flowing when spending all of those sweet, sweet Katz coins. Of course, we know that Draisaitl won’t take home all $112 million because of agent fees, taxes, etc., but for the purposes of this article, we’re going to run with the big number to make this spending wish list a little more ridiculous. Make sense? Let’s do it.

If there’s one thing we Edmontonians love more than anything, it’s crushing donairs, and now that Leon has the scratch in the world, he’s in a position to buy all of the sweet, sweet meat he could ever hope to have. I’m not saying that he couldn’t afford donairs before — Gord knows he could — but this new deal guarantees that he can buy 7.466 million of them at $15 each! That’s money well spent, my friends.

As of this writing, the most expensive car in the world is the Rolls-Royce Boat Tail, priced at a staggering $28 million. According to the RR website, this ultra-luxury vehicle is a custom-built masterpiece, and features a unique two-tone exterior, a “hosting suite” complete with a champagne fridge, and a rear deck designed to resemble the wooden decks of vintage yachts. From my side of the computer screen, I think Leon Draisaitl would look sexy as all hell if he was driving this thing if he ever decided to spend two years wages on a care, of course.

While he probably won’t be able to afford the 250-foot yacht that Jeff Bezos just bought, I definitely think Leon needs a luxury boat of his own. That’s why I jumped on YachtWorld.com and found him this 207-foot beauty for the bargain price of only $95 million USD. Seeing as NHL contracts are paid US dollars, I think it’s reasonably for Leon to spend most of his (gross) earnings on a boat and carrying just enough to make sure it’s still operational. That’s smart, savvy, and sexy spending, friends.

Have you ever wondered what the Talus Balls along the side of the Whitemud cost the city to construct? About $600,000 to be specific. At such a bargain price, I’m recommending that Drai commission his own version of the Talus balls with his face on them. Just think about how beautiful the Anthony Henday could be with a massive Leon Lumps installation built along the road? That’s a handsome public service, in my opinion.

You can’t buy bagged milk in Alberta anymore, but you certainly can keep the dream alive in Ontario and I wanted to know how much Leon could afford if he chose to consume his milk in bag form. To make this happen, I looked at what a litre of bagged milk costs our friends in Ontario — it comes in around $1.56/litre btw — and calculated that Leon will be able able to buy just shy of 72 million litres of bagged milk. Talk about your calcium king! Now, to work on that cookie budget.

Who wouldn’t want to live in their very own castle? Well, now that Leon Draisaitl has all $112 million coming his way with this new contract, our man can afford to live like the king he is. And with a bargain price of only 26,500,000 Euros ($39.5 million CAD), Leon Draisaitl could become the proud owner of the largest Czech castle in private ownership. How dope is that?

When you make $14 million per year, what’s it to you to spend $117,000 on the film score rights from the movie Shrek? Just think of all the fun stuff you could do with tunes from the swamp playing in the background! Doing a Puma ad? Shrek music. Next round of commercials for Skip the Dishes? Not in my swamp, Donkey. Needless to say, the possibilities are endless. Not only that, the current high bid on this is only $90K, so Leon might even be able to get it for a deal.

Why wait in line at the airport when you can buy your own Gulfstream G600 for the low, low price of $51.5 million USD? We know that Leon and his lovely fiancee Celeste are international travellers, and what better wait to see the sights and get around the planet than with their very own private jet? And since we want Leon to have only the best, I narrowed my search for private jets built in 2022 or afterward, and this is one of the coolest ones I found.

Do you remember that Edmonton gondola project that keeps getting kicked around every year or so? Well, I think I have an answer on the funding. In their last pitch on the project, Prairie Sky estimates the gondola network will cost between $132 million and $155 million to build with operating costs landing somewhere between $12 to $13 million per year. Thankfully, I know a guy who just signed a contract for $112 million in addition to the $70+ million he already had in career earnings. If my math is correct — it’s not, I’m not accounting for taxes, agents, etc, in this stupid article — here’s a guy with that’s committed to the city with all the money you’d need to not only build the gondolas but maintain them too. Put another way, who wouldn’t want to ride around the city on the Drai gondolas?

According to this article from the CHL, Leon’s former junior team, the Kelowna Rockets, brings in an estimated $31 million to the area every single year. That tells me that Leon Draisaitl could probably buy the WHL cash cow for less than $100 million if he offered three times earnings in an unwanted bid. Now, one might argue that buying his former junior team would be ridiculous given the price tag I just laid out, but why try to beat the man when you can BE the man?

Regardless of what you actually do with the money, I could not be more pumped that you’ll be back with this team for the next nine years. Today is a good day for Oilers fans everywhere, and it’s amazing see how far this franchise has come from the days of losing all of our best players to free agency because the team couldn’t afford to keep them. Either way, enjoy the day, Leon. It’s well deserved, sir, and I hope you have a blast watching all of those zeroes pop into your bank account.