HOCKEY REFRESHER
By Jason Gregor
11 years ago
People actually play underwater hockey. The best part is they wrap duct tape on their hand to avoid cuts/scratches on their knuckles while "stickhandling" on the floor of the pool. The game includes playing against/with women in swimsuits and you get to duct tape your hand; how is Wanye not a regular in the pool?
We are 83 days into the lockout, and if you took up underwater hockey to fill the void, I applaud your dedication to the game. I applaud your creativity and willingness to find any sort of hockey-related activity to distract you from this painful process of a lockout.
Let’s dare to dream and pretend the lockout is officially over.
Here is what I’d dream to see when the NHL returns…
- A ten-year CBA, just so no would have to go through this BS for another decade.
- Teams would play everyone twice. Teams would play six divisional games (24), three v. other ten teams in their conference (30) and two v. every team in other conference (30). Means 84 game regular season, but you cap preseason at only five games. No extra games, just fewer meaningless exhibition games.
- Get rid of the instigator rule.
- The NHL would only play on five days of the week. I know it would difficult to schedule, but this is dream damn it.
- Ilya Bryzgalov would make a cameo appearance in every 24/7 for the next 15 years.
- Staged fighting would be banished.
- The Phoenix Coyotes would relocate to Hartford and the best jersey in the history of the NHL would be re-born.
- Toronto would have a second team.
- The new Toronto team would make the playoffs before the Leafs, and it would be entertaining watching all the Leafs’ fans jump ship.
- Ice girls would be mandatory for each team. I’m happily married, but I’m still a team player.
- Craig Leopold and his Wild will be more exciting, but they will never win a playoff series for the duration of the new CBA. It will be karma for claiming they were poor, but then signing Suter and Parise for $196 million.
- The Oilers and Flames will meet in the playoffs, just so fans under the age of 30 can experience a meaningful Battle of Alberta.
- Hitting from behind is punished more severely.
- Players who purposely turn their back to the play at the last moment can be penalized. Not sure why that movement has become part of the game.
- Morning skates would be abolished.
- We’d stop hero-worshipping players and the NHL would try to humanize them more. Then some fans would interact with them rather than ogle them. They are regular human beings, who happen to be good at hockey.
- Hits, shots and scoring chances would be calculated accurately and consistently from building to building.
- Goalie equipment would fit properly. I’d rather it be thicker than wider.
- Hybrid icing would be implemented.
- Edmonton would have a new arena. The pressbox would have a washroom. Again it is my dream, so likely a selfish thought.
- The pressbox would be situated so I could still hear the rowdies in the 300 sections. The diehard fans sit up there, and often they have some hilarious chirps.
- The new rink would serve Bacardi Limon…and Big Rock.
- More teams would have a witty twitter account like the LA Kings.
- We’d see more 40 and 50-goals scorers.
- Linus Omark would be traded just so I wouldn’t have to endure another asinine Omark trade proposal.
- The Oilers will embrace Nail Yakupov’s outgoing persona. He won’t be asked to colour inside the lines and use a grey crayon.
- Gary Bettman and Donald Fehr will not be around when the new CBA expires.
Unfortunately I woke up from my dream and we still don’t have a new CBA in place. Of course I didn’t expect one today, but I’m sure today is "the most important day" of the lockout. That will change tomorrow, but let’s not complicate things. The gap seems to be closing, but they are still far apart on some issues. This is how negotiations work; the unfortunate and incredibly ridiculous part is that the NHL and NHLPA waited this long to actually %&*()@% negotiate.
Either way, I’m still optimistic a deal will be done and NHL hockey will return, but I’m not certain everyone will feel as connected or loyal to the game as they did last year. This lockout has shown the fans that the players and owners truly don’t care about them, and I don’t think fans will magically forget that.
You will still watch, but many will watch knowing that it is a business first, and a business that ultimately doesn’t respect the fans or their advertisers. If they did, they would have been negotiating face-to-face in August, not December.
FINAL THOUGHTS
The best part about the lockout ending is we can get back to debating who should play where and why. I read Lowetide’s article yesterday and found myself wondering why he has Corey Potter listed ahead of Theo Peckham on his depth chart? It was refreshing to actually want to debate hockey rather than what constitutes HRR. Why would he want Potter in the 3rd pairing when he can’t kill penalties and doesn’t play physical?
When the lockout officially ends, those are the topics we can get back to debating about. Do us all a favour and don’t bring up Sam Gagner’s value for at least a few weeks. I think we will suspend the first person who tries to ignite that debate.
DAY FOUR
Yesterday we raised another $1,800 for the Christmas Bureau. Huge props to Greg for his bid on the Football Package.
Today’s package is our RUSH VIP PACKAGE. It includes:
- Pair of Edmonton Rush season tickets. Silver seats, lower bowl.
- Behind the scenes tour during one home game. You’ll meet the coaches, players and the cheer team.
- You and a friend will go on a road trip with the Rush to Calgary for a regular season game. You will travel with the team, stay at the team hotel, go to the game and have dinner with team owner, Bruce Urban. You will be invited to the after party as well.
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