Inaugural address from the ‘Shorts

Oh, hello everyone. It’s your old pal Jeanshorts here. Some of you may know me as that guy who posts nonsensical comments all over OilersNation, talking about anything and everything unrelated to the Oilers. Others probably know me as "Hey you! Get out of my garbage! I’m calling the cops!"

One day, I was walking down the street, waiting for the junior high to get out, when a large, black van pulled up beside me. I don’t remember much after that until I woke up, naked, tied to a chair in Wanye’s basement. Now I don’t know if it’s the Stockholm Syndrome or the cocktail of drugs pumping through my system via an IV, but I’ve decided it was a good idea to start writing a weekly article on this here OilersNation. So without further ado, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, here is the inaugural edition of "Jeanshorts’ First Star, Worst Star."

First Star this week goes to Tomas Kaberle. Now believe me, I hate to give props to anything Maple Leaf, but I’ll give credit where credit is due. Dude managed to put up 12 points in 4 games last week. That’s a Penner-esque rate of production! That’s unreal. Although, I take solace in the fact that even though he was putting up mega points the Leafs still found a way to lose 3 of those 4 games.

Taylor Hall is going to look awesome in a Bruins jersey. I think it’s ironic that Leaf fans have been trying to run this guy out of Toronto for two or three summers now, even though he’s been the only consistent Leaf since Mats Sundin skipped town to pussyfoot around whether or not he wanted to play again. Not only do you look exactly like my friend’s little brother, but you are the only bright spot in a hilariously black hole that is the 2009/10 Toronto Maple Leafs. Now please refrain from passing on this good fortune to anyone else on your team. The more the Leafs lose, the more joy the rest of the country gets.

Worst Star goes out to the Montreal Canadiens fans at the Bell Center on Saturday. There’s nothing I love more than seeing Habs fans sitting in stunned silence and Saturday was no different. The Habs were up 5-3 on the Leafs late in the third. And we all know how much those half-euro French Canadians love to chant. They started in with the classic "Na-na-na-na, hey, hey, hey, goodbye" at about the 3 minute mark.

Well wouldn’t you know it, just as the chant was reaching a crescendo the Leafs scored to come within one. You could pretty much hear the entire building be taken aback in unison and it was hilarious.

But it gets better.

About a minute later, guess what happened? The Leafs got a lucky bounce and with 45 seconds or so left in the game, we’re all knotted up at five apiece. See what happens when you not only start a chant for the 140th time in the game, but you start it way too prematurely Habs, fans? You look like bigger fools than the rest of the league already gives you credit for.

Thankfully the Leafs ended up losing in a shootout, because as I mentioned it’s way more fun when they’re sliding further into the toilet. Still, I really enjoyed seeing all the smug be sucked out of the building, if only for a few minutes.

Honorable mention to my dad: Dad, please stop texting me 30 times a night whenever there’s an Oilers game on, just to tell me how much the Oilers suck and how awesome the Leafs are. The fact that you figured out how to send a text message scares me enough, I don’t need the added mental anguish. Now, please, send me money because I’m running low on Kraft Dinner and Powerade.

Comment of the Week — The Menace wrote: "Rask "Tuuka" dump all over the oilers today."

Oh man it still cracks me up. Well played, sir.