Kings ‘ready’ for next year

Prepare to be offended to the core, Nation. Prepare to shake your head in wonder at the brain trust that is the LA Kings’ Public Relations Department. You remember the LA Kings right? Dead last in the West last year with a stellar 32-43-7 record. Just signed Jarret Stoll to a four-year deal to ensure he remains in the tabloids as Rachel Hunter’s better half for the foreseeable future?

Know what someone in their front office did to drum up interest for the upcoming season?

Send Luc Robitaille, Derek Armstrong, Denis Gauthier, Kyle Calder, Dustin Brown and their mascot “Bailey” to an appearance on the Price is Right.

<insert shocked silence here>

The NHL just seems to get it, don’t they? They’re flailing about trying to find ways to make anyone—ANYONE—that lives within an hour of the three California teams care about the upcoming season. And this is the best idea they could come up with. So much for positioning yourself as appealing to kids, sports enthusiasts or at the very least people who like to yell “SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT.”

You just know the Kings publicist was working overtime to line this appearance up. They probably even paid money to CBS to get on the show. Do you think you would ever see the offensive line of the Oakland Raiders sitting on Contestant’s Row, waiting to bid a dollar for a brand new china hutch? No, no you wouldn’t.

The NFL understands how to market its game and reach its target demographic. Unless something happened over the off-season and the average NHL fan is now an 83-year-old lady, we’re guessing that a Price is Right appearance won’t do much other than embarrass existing NHL fans.

Why couldn’t the NHL actually try something cool? Get these five clowns onto an episode of UFC. Let them train for a day with Team Whoever and show the beer-guzzling-shotgun-firing-violence-loving Americans that watch the UFC for 17 hours a day that hockey players are tough as nails dipped in cement. That would have some impact with someone who is actually awake at 7:30pm when most games start. Price is Right viewers have been asleep for hours. The UFC loves money too, look at their bloody sponsors! Generic Viagra made in Congo, anyone?

Damn it, Dustin Brown! Put some shoes on at least. You’re embarrassing yourself in front of the 12,000,000 senior Price is Right watchers. Don’t you want Glenda from Scottsdale to watch the Kings this season? We know we do. Perhaps her senility and advancing age will dull the ache of watching a Kings game.

You wouldn’t catch Optimus Prime at a Price is Right taping. Sam Gagner might go, but his advanced intellect and supreme physical control would lead to complete Plinko mastery and three consecutive spins of $1.00 on the big wheel causing the show to cease taping immediately.

In closing, observe the grace of sending a nine foot lion to pose with a six foot nerd.

—Wanye Gretz is now 97.5% body lice free and can be reached at wanyegretz@gmail.com.