Why you should hate the LA Kings… again

There are none of you here on the website right now who need reasons to hate the LA Kings, but with our third straight first-round matchup kicking off tomorrow, it seemed like the perfect time for a quick refresher. And since we’ve only got one sleep left to wait until showtime, we can all use some inspiration for the third instalment of the Oilers versus Kings post-season spectacular.

Is there a team in the NHL that is more painfully boring to watch than the Los Angeles Kings? No. No is the answer. If the point of the sport was to bore people to death, then the Kings would be masters of their craft, but their style of defending is torture for the rest of us who enjoy the game for its skill and speed.

I refuse to believe there’s anyone on earth who actually enjoys NHL hockey and unironically appreciates the trap system the Kings refuse to give up. Watching them clog up the neutral zone in the hopes of a mistake is LA playing scared hockey. I don’t care if being the hockey equivalent of sand works from time to time or that it gives opponents fits, it’s every shade of dull to watch.

Despising half of the Kings’ roster is one of the easiest things imaginable because of who they are and how they play. We all remember when Mike Anderson horse-collared Leon Draisaitl in the first round of the 2022 playoffs, essentially hobbling the guy for the rest of the postseason. He’s the kind of rat who doesn’t care who he hurts, and going up against guys like that is always a wildcard.

The thing is, though, the Kings’ lineup is full of them. I asked Tyler Yaremchuk, the keeper of the rat list, to give me his take on the Kings’ 2024 roster, and he dissected it with expert precision. Per the host of Oilersnation Everyday, the Kings’ rat list consists of five players: Mikey Anderson, Drew Doughty, Blake Lizotte, Pierre-Luc Dubois, and Phillip Danault.

Basically, what Tyler is saying here is that any of these players are likely to do something cheap as a means of getting under your skin. They’re not as skilled as the Oilers’ top end, so they have to bring the game into the mud to be able to compete. As we know from the past two years, this series is going to be physical and that’s not always going to be because of clean contact.

I love you, Will Ferrell, but not for the next two weeks. You’ve starred in some of my favourite movies of all time — I’ve probably watched Old School and Anchorman 50x each in my life — but we can’t be friends right now even though you’ve given me so many laughs over the years. Despite easily being one of my favourite actors, our friendship is paused for now.

Knowing that I will likely see you at Crypto.com Arena dressed in some kind of ridiculous garb as a means of supporting the Kings hurts a little bit, and the result will be pretending like I haven’t loved you my whole life until this first round is over. Will Ferrell is a legend and I understand why they show him as much as they do, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less to know that one of my favourite artists has such horrible taste in hockey teams.

When Jay, Tyler, and I flew to LA to cover the first round of the playoffs two years ago, the Oilers were running the Kings’ show and demolishing them pretty well in Game 3. The result was that every Oilers fan at Crypto.com Arena had the best time of all time, including the three of us, who were not exactly shy about celebrating.

Well, as it turns out, there was one Kings fan who didn’t appreciate our fun and the result was launching at full ($20 USD) beer down about 15 rows right into your boy’s head.

That beer connected with my head, but only in a passing blow, and I was lucky not to be hurt in any way. Unfortunately, the poor woman behind me took the brunt of the attack after the beer ended up blowing up all over her. And if unintentionally soaking an elderly woman with an overpriced beer isn’t reason enough to hate Kings fans then I don’t know what is.

Remember last season when idiots spit on a child? I remember everything.

If you cruise through the LA Kings subreddit, it’s pretty funny how hostile Kings fans are to Oilers fans. I know it’s fun to chirp each other in the playoffs and that trash talk is part of the festivities, but hoping for your opponents to get hurt is lame no matter how the past series have gone, and it pops up pretty often. I know this is the third time these teams have squared off in the post season — Gord knows the tone in that subreddit is unhinged anytime the word Oilers comes out — but I still think it’s weird to be cheering for injuries regardless of the situation.

I’ve gone to LA for the last two playoffs, and I still cannot understand why the Kings use Eric Cartman during their in-game production to get crowd going. Why is he there? Eric Cartman is from Colorado. Did he think the Nuggets were playing? Wouldn’t Cartman probably be cheering for the Avalanche? The only thing that makes sense is that Eric Cartman is one of the most evil characters of all time, and that darkness would be a fitting for the vibes that seem to permeate their arena.

You can see it, right? Of course you can. Why don’t more people talk about this?

I have a lot of respect for Drew Doughty’s career. He came into the league as a teenager and has maintained his place as one of the NHL’s top defencemen for 1177 games. He’s won basically everything there is to win, he’s made a ton of money, and he always seems to crank up his level of play when the Kings need him most.

For years, Doughty was a focal point on all those LA Kings teams that basically did whatever they wanted anytime they faced the Oilers, and now that the tables are turning a little bit, I hope the guy doesn’t think we forgot about all of the trash talk, chippy plays, and taking runs at our stars. While I certainly respect his incredible career that includes Stanley Cup wins and multiple gold medals with Team Canada, for the next two weeks, I am actively rooting against this man.

I know there aren’t many reasons to like the Los Angeles Kings, but I can think of one. I’m not sure who the Kings contracted to build the Dustin Brown statue they have outside their arena, but that person is a hero for the massacre job they pulled on Brown’s face. I mean, when you look at the picture above that I took last April, does this look like Dustin Brown to you?

I truly believe the artist had no idea who Dustin Brown is, Googled a picture of him, and ended up paying homage to the wrong person. Either way, you have to appreciate the way the Los Angeles Kings were willing to disrespect their former captain for all of eternity. I mean, I would be all of Gregor’s money that even Dustin Brown would have a hard time believing this is supposed to be him.