WTF?: FINALLY, THE ONHFD

Think Corsi and Fenwick numbers are convoluted and confusing? Don’t have a clue what SIUTBOHC means? Easily flummoxed, like I was by the picture above (not really, but I needed an excuse to use it). Just a garden variety knucklehead? There is help.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to create the Oilersnation Handbook for Dummies*, a volume of jargon, lingo and acronyms most common to the website that will be updated and expanded as time allows (not a chance, it’s a one-off) to aid you in navigating the ridiculous amount of Edmonton Oilers copy generated by the oh-so talented group of wordsmiths and scholars here every day.

We love acronyms at The Nation, but they can be confusing to the dim and those uninitiated in the local lingo. In the name of clarity, a quick primer on common acronyms for our valued readers. If I leave something out you feel should be included, post it and I will add it to the glossary.

GDB — Game Day Bitches. Standing headline for our game day advances hatched by the fertile minds of Wanye Gretz and Bingofuel in the earliest days of the website.

ELPH — Exciting Last Place Hockey. A desperate but innovative attempt at spinning the ineptitude of five straight seasons out of the playoffs into a positive.

FIST — Not a true acronym, but the symbolic first post word favoured by a small but determined faction of kooks, donkeys and mouth-breathers at ON.

FMNF — Fire MacTavish Now F*ckers. This crude but effective acronym has it origins during the 2008-09 season as eyes in the Oilers dressing room, particularly those belonging to Dustin Penner, began to glaze over during pre-game pep talks.

FYATHYRIN — F*ck You And The Horse You Rode In . . . . Something.

FYATHYRIO —  F*ck You And The Horse You Rode In On. Also see knucklehead version above.

GDP — Game Day Prediction. Unless I’m mistaken, and I never am, Jason Gregor created this sub-category as part of his regular GDB. You get this, right? *I’m A Scientist! has filed a lawsuit seeking damages for copyright infringement.

OGDP — Obvious Game Day Prediction. Expansion of the GDP as part of the GDB most often used by Gregor to point out an angle obvious to even the dimmest of knuckleheads.

NSOGDP — Not So Obvious Game Day Prediction. Another sub-category along with the GDP and OGDP as part of the GDP that is often twisted, but never without the grain of truth that makes it gold.

SIUTBOHC — Shoved It Up The Backsides Of His Critics. Has is origins with the hunch I had about Jeff Deslauriers and my misplaced belief that he’d become an actual NHL goaltender after a five-game hot streak. Not to be confused with SIUTBOHS, Shoved It Up The Backsides Of His Supporters, which is what Deslauriers did by morphing into Andre Racicot, triggering untold scorn from those I suggested he’d violated. Nikolai Khabibulin has assumed the SIUTBOHC mantra this season. We’ll see.

WTF — What The F*ck. Duh. Not to be confused with the less-common wtf, which is in lower-case and is the fake name used by the anonymous loser who helped create this guide by whining (imagine a nasal voice, narrow-set eyes, smallish hands and that caked paste in the corners of the mouth): "wtf is a SIUTBOHC and why are we expected to know what that means?" Proving his largesse knows no bounds, wtf later provided ONHFD with FYATHYRIN. Also see above.

Bronte 5000/Betamax — A calculating machine for the business age! A modern miracle! But more than anything, a friend to all fans in need of a keypad to lean on when troubled by numbers.

Cup Of Coffee — A look-see in The Show for a career minor-leaguer. Lowetide not only uses this term often, it’s very likely he invented it.

Doobie — Devan Dubnyk.

Big Sexy — Sheldon Souray. Whistleblower.

Ghost Ride the Whip — Celebratory song/manoeuvre of the ON faithful.

The Human Rake — Chris Pronger.

The Nuge — Three guesses. Also see RNH.

Magnificent Bastard — Chief Scout Stu MacGregor. Also see MBS.

MPS — Magnus Paajarvi when his name bar ran up one arm, across his back and down his other arm.

Mr. Dithers — GM Steve Tambellini. Also see Tamby, LoweBellini.

RX1 — Rexall Place.

RX2 — Edmonton goes Big City at last.

SMac — Steve MacIntyre.

Squee — From The Urban Dictionary: "A noise primarily made by an over-excited fan girl, however it has spread rapidly and is now widely spread among the web community." Think Wanye in his pajamas with the Eberle name bar on the back after a hat-trick by No. 14.

Struddles — Laughs like a girl. Plays hockey like a man. Spokesman Hair Club For Men and frontman for the Bubblegum Gang.

As with acronyms, if you’ve got any other nicknames and jargon you’d like to see added to the guide, please pass them along and we’ll be happy to add them. Once everything is compiled, we will make a finished edition available to readers at cost, or about $29.99. Cheques made payable to Robin Brownlee. Please, a limit of two per household.