I don’t think I need to give anyone reading this reasons to hate the Winnipeg Jets, but with the first round of the playoffs set to kick off tomorrow, I felt like we could all use a few ideas for fuelling the rivalry. Time is running out to build some hatred with the Thrashers Jets ahead of game one and I think we all need to work together to make it happen.

With tomorrow being the first playoff game we’ve had since last summer’s disappointing play-in round versus Chicago, I’ve decided that we can all could use a little bit of extra inspiration to make sure that there’s plenty of Jets-related rage in the tank to fuel the rivalry between these two old Smythe Division combatants. After nine games played against each other during this incredibly bizarre 2021 season, I think both sides will have their share of ingrained loathing of each other, but I’m here to make sure that we fans are vibrating at the same frequency.

 YEAR:           W-L-T  Win % GFPG GAPG            2021:            7-2-0  77.8  3.8  2.4 | 2020:            1-2-0  33.3  1.7  2.3 | 2019:            1-2-0  33.3  4.0  4.3 | 2018:            0-3-0   0.0  1.7  4.7 | 2017:            3-0-0 100.0  4.0  1.7 | 2016:            2-1-0  66.7  2.0  1.3 | 2015:            0-3-0   0.0  2.3  4.0 | 2014:            1-2-0  33.3  4.0  3.3 |

Over the past eight years, the Oilers have only had a winning record over the Jets three times and I feel like that’s a level of disrespect that should annoy us to our core as we get set for this opening-round series. As far as I see it, the Jets have had their time in the sun and now it’s our turn to get that sweet, sweet golden bronze that comes with the extended days and warm temps of an Edmonton spring.

The people of Winnipeg can pretend that they’re cheering for the Jets all they want, but the rest of us know what’s really going on here. For 11 years, the Thrashers built themselves a cozy little nook under the rock of obscurity until it became obvious that they were no longer financially viable, prompting the National Hockey League to look for a new home for the franchise and finding the perfect partner in the folks at True North in Winnipeg.

Personally, I would’ve been fine with True North relocating the Thrashers to Winnipeg and giving them a new name with fresh branding as a signal to fans that this club will be taking a new direction from the team that won no Stanley Cups and couldn’t hack it in Canada before moving to Arizona. For some reason, this annoys me because they’re often honouring the history from their first time around while also completely ignoring that they’re actually the Atlanta Thrashers.

Try all you want to pretend that nothing has changed, but let the record show that you are not the Winnipeg Jets. You are an imposter — like Prongles to Pringles — and it’s a shame to see you trying so hard to reclaim a legacy that isn’t even yours. Even more embarrassing is that the history you’re trying to steal from the Arizona Coyotes wasn’t even that great to begin with as the Jets 1.0 didn’t win a playoff series after 1987. The “good old days” indeed.

I don’t know if anyone else has the same problem, but every time I hear Neal Pionk’s name I can’t help but think of donkeys. What you may not know, however, is that your boy actually worked at a donkey farm outside of Gibbons when I was in high school and it was one of the worse experiences of my life. I took that job because I thought I was going to be able to hang out with the donkeys all day, but when I got there, the farmer guy said that only girls were allowed to take care of the animals and that I’d have to be out in the yard doing manual labour instead. I felt like it was unfair and worst of all, that I was lied to. My point here is that Pionk’s name will be a constant reminder of the sadness I felt as a young bag of milk when I was unable to live out my dream of creating some kind of Horse Force but with donkeys, and I’m asking for everyone to support me during these difficult times.

When we went to Winnipeg for the Heritage Classic back in October of 2016, your boy spent a big part of the weekend consuming adult beverages and subsequently looking for snacks when I was hammered. On one such occasion, I popped into a 7/11 around 3AM to find something to eat, and that’s when I saw a piece of pizza calling out to me like a beacon of light from the heavens above. After buying said pizza and taking one bite out of it, I recoiled in horror after my tastebuds were shocked by the tango of abhorrent flavours and textures. Never in my life have I tasted such horrid pizza and it was the kind of thing I had to share with everyone around me to make sure I wasn’t going crazy. After several mouthes confirmed that I wasn’t crazy and that the pizza was indeed trash, I made a mental note of the time and place when such an offence occurred and it was only in this moment that the memory reemerged. Now, one might be inclined to blame me for my horrible choice of buying pizza from a 7/11 at three in the morning but that’s how I roll baby, and it’s a lifestyle that had faired me quite well up until that horrible night when I was punched in the mouth feelings by the worst slice in the history of pizza or man.

I don’t know why the NHL decided to put a franchise in a city without an airport but that’s exactly what happened, and the choice has been causing issues for visiting teams ever since. Call me a conspiracy theorist or whatever you like, but you will never convince me that the Jets didn’t make some kind of sneaky under the table deal with the NHL to allow such a one-sided plan to move forward, and it’s a damned shame that it did because I feel like the people of Winnipeg deserve better. Not only do I think it’s an unfair advantage that the Jets can expect their opponents to roll into town exhausted after a long bus ride is bush league in every way. In the meantime, the Oilers are still stuck having to load up on snacks and Sudoku for their bus rides in from Brandon. For shame, Winnipeg, for shame.