46

Why You Should Hate the San Jose Sharks

I don’t think I need to give you reasons to hate the Sharks, but I’m going to anyway. We’ve got less than 16 hours to build a rivalry with the heathens from San Jose and I think we all need to work together to make it happen. 

With today being the first playoff game day that we’ve ever seen on this website, I think we all could use a little bit of inspiration to fuel the hatred between these two playoff combatants. Frankly, from where I blog, I see a San Jose Sharks team that is far too loveable and it’s starting to annoy me. How can you be a solid hockey team for this long without being hated? I don’t get it and that’s why we need to build that rivalry right here and now.

THE RECORD

I don’t think this will come as a surprise to anyone reading this but the Oilers have been absolute dogshit against the San Jose Sharks since the last time we saw the playoffs and I think it’s time for some payback.

YEAR:           W-L-T  Win % GFPG GAPG   
 2017:            3-2-0  60.0  3.2  2.6 |
 2016:            2-2-0  50.0  2.8  2.8 |
 2015:            2-3-0  40.0  2.6  3.4 |
 2014:            1-4-0  20.0  2.2  3.6 |
 2013:            0-3-0   0.0  2.7  4.3 |
 2012:            2-2-0  50.0  2.3  2.3 |
 2011:            1-3-0  25.0  2.5  3.5 |
 2010:            1-3-0  25.0  3.0  3.5 |
 2009:            1-3-0  25.0  1.8  3.0 |
 2007:            2-2-0  50.0  2.5  3.5 |

Table from mcubed.net

Aside from this season, the Oilers haven’t had a winning record against the Sharks and that’s a teeter totter that could use some balancing out. Up until this year, the Sharks were the fat kid that got could keep your side of the teeter totter up in the air until he suddenly got off and left you to come crashing down.

LOGAN COUTURE’S PUNCHABLE FACE

Logan Couture is set to return to the lineup for the first time since March 25th and that means the Sharks will be getting back one of their offensive weapons. While we don’t know how effective Couture will be after returning from injury we do know that his face remains punchable. Not to mention, Couture has a history taking shots at the Oilers in his interviews and no revenge would taste sweeter than knocking the Sharks out of the playoffs.

I ASSUME THORNTON/BURNS SMELL LIKE DISHWATER

As much as Joe Thornton and Brent Burns are loveable NHL characters, that doesn’t mean that they’re up to snuff in terms of hygiene. With beards like these, I have a hard time believing that both Burns and Thornton don’t smell like dirty dishwater. You can tell me that they shower daily and you can tell me that they buy the finest face shampoos for their chin coifs but I refuse to believe that their faces don’t stink more often than not.

CAM TALBOT > MARTIN JONES

Martin Jones always seems to get love during broadcasts but he doesn’t deserve it, IMO. When games started to mean more down the stretch Jones fell apart with only two games above .900 in his last eight and they were against Vancouver. Actually, his save percentage has fallen in general, dropping from .924 in late November down to about .885 in March. Fortunately for the Oilers fans, Martin Jones’ late season slide was enough to open a window that allowed the Oilers to pass them in the division rankings.

WHAT’S UP WITH THEIR TV FEED?

Hopefully, the Oilers can wrap this thing up in four or five games because the Sharks home feed is garbage. It’s like they’re filming the game from space and it’s always a few shades darker than any arena. Maybe it’s just because I’m used to watching games on the surface of the sun at Rogers Place but I find the darkness of their arena annoying. It’s the playoffs and I really hope they’ve upgraded the 40-watt bulbs.

THEY GAVE US DREW

Right?

SHARKS ARE JERKS…

I don’t know how often you guys watch Shark Week, but I am personally obsessed with it and I think all those hours of sitting in front of the TV have prepared me for this moment.

Did you know that many species of Sharks have cannibal babies? Let me explain. Often times, larger shark embryos will eat their brothers and sisters in the womb to leave only the strongest to actually be born. I’m not saying that the San Jose Sharks practice this type of cannibalism but I haven’t seen any evidence to prove that they don’t. Something to think about.

THEY’RE ALSO GROSS…

If a shark is struggling to digest its prey, it will push its stomach out of its own mouth and then pull it back in again which apparently eases the struggle. Just imagine your Auntie Rita acting like that. You invite Aunt R. over for a Thanksgiving Day dinner and instead of chewing her food like a human being, she’s busy hacking up turkey legs all over the house until they’ve broken down into small enough pieces for her to swallow whole. This kind of behaviour is completely unacceptable and should not be tolerated.

LASTLY, THEY’RE KINDA DICKHEADS…

Cookiecutter Shark

 

Watching at home tonight?

Order delicious Oodle Noodle delivery and use the promo code MISSION17 to get 17% off all order’s of $30 or more throughout the playoffs. Click HERE to get eating!