Stats Schmats

While most of the nerds in the Nerdery are busy calculating points, figuring stats… zzzzzzzzzzzz. Pardon me, I must have dozed off. It’s no secret that I could give a rat’s ass about stats. Numbers are, you know, hard. 

I’m here to talk about what really matters in an NHL team: hotness. I’m a bit of a novice when it comes to the hotness of our Oil.

What many people don’t realize is that there is a way to measure the visual aesthetic of a hockey team, thus determining their potential for success. It’s not a universally recognized scale but a means of measure I have been working on for some time. The McHotness Scale (patent pending) can determine the potential of any given group, in this case the Edmonton Oilers.

Every member will either bring or take points. For example, Sheldon “Big Sexy” Souray brings twelve points to the table while Stortini causes us to lose three points due to that freakishly large neck of his.

I know this sounds complicated, and there are exceptions to the rules. The San Jose Sharks, while currently placing second in the Western Conference, are one of the most unattractive teams in the NHL. Joe “Hillbilly” Thorton and Jody Shelley take a combined twenty-seven points away from the Sharks. Too bad for them.

The Edmonton Oilers are an aesthetically well balanced team. Steve Staios gives us two points. He would bring five to the table if he stopped wearing a visor and began sporting his super bad-ass shiners. We gain two points for each of Penner’s eyes. Unfortunately, we lose six points for Reddox simply for being a ginger.

I’ve been busy the last couple days re-calculating due to the trade. Eric Cole takes his four points with him to Carolina. We do, however, gain some decent points with O’Sullivan.

Patrick O’Sullivan — could he sound any more Irish? Maybe if his name was Irish O’Irishson, but that would be, you know, dumb. O’Sullivan brings us a whopping seven points. Four points come from his boyish good looks and three come from his dark checkered past. Those three points are only applicable to this season. He will have to re-earn those points by winning our hearts. My empathy for him in terms of growing up with an abusive father also runs out at the end of the season. I’m not a totally heartless person but as an abortion survivor, I know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

I expect big things from O’Sullivan.