The Capilano Rehab Injury Report: Intern Problems

How about all of our injured hearts after that emotional Senators game on the weekend, am I right? 

Believe it or not, but NOTHING has changed since last week. The only thing that’s different is all five injured players on the Oilers are exactly one week closer to being healthy. That’s right, we went a whole week without someone being injured, so crack the champagne! 

Speaking of champagne, some type of important sports betting people told the world today that the Oilers now have the second-best odds to win the Stanley Cup, at 10:1! Now if you think my injury report is a giant jinx, how about telling a whole fanbase that their team has one of the best chances at the cup only nine games into the season? Good work sports-betting guys!

Anyways, since the Oilers haven’t given me a press pass yet, and Pete hasn’t answered any of my emails, we still don’t know any details about our injured Oilers. So here are my ideas on what’s going on with them. I should add, if the Oilers don’t want me spreading rumours about injuries that may or may not be true, let me in that dang dressing room!

Matt Hendricks is out week-to-week. He came off the ice during a pre-season game complaining to the trainer of some foot pain. The trainer, who couldn’t properly diagnose Matt’s injury at the time then went to work. He spent night and day reading medical books, googling medical topics, and emailing medical people to try figure out what’s wrong with Matt Hendricks’ foot. After a foot specialist flew in from Chad, Africa, they were able to work together to diagnose the injury as a metatarsophalangeal joint sprain. This sprain is one of the most serious, phalangeal sprains and should be treated with extra caution. 

Matt’s rehab will involve strenuous cross-word puzzles, along with “giving it time.”

Davy is also out week-to-week (real original, right?), with an upper body injury. After entering his symptoms into www.whatswrongwithme.com, Brandon discovered he has the extremely rare condition, sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia. How this happened to him? Well when Davidson got slew-footed from the Oilers official number-one-enemy – now in the top 25 of the Canada’s Most Wanted list- Matthew Tkachuk, he must have got a face full of ice or something, giving him the SG injury, as I like to call it. 

Brandon’s rehab will entail “rubbing some dirt in it,” and a lot of warm fluids. 

Mark Fayne’s injury is a bit of a pickle. The rumours around the Nation office say that he was skating across the ice and hurt his “lower body.” I believe in the fact that he was skating across the ice when it happened, however I think there was a bit more behind the story. Mark Fayne likely suffered from an extreme case of gustatory rhinitis, and is now out indefinitely because of it. Get better soon, Mark. 

The Oilers are trying to tell us that Drake has an undisclosed injury. TSN is trying to tell you that Drake has a hip injury. Why is one different than the other? No clue. BUT I for one am trying to tell you that Drake has neither a hip injury OR an undisclosed injury (wherever that is on the body).

Drake Caggiula ACTUALLY has Piriformis Syndrome… poor guy. Did you know that Piroformis Syndrom can make you feel hip pain? Now there’s a fact I bet you didn’t know five minutes ago… I didn’t anyways. Drake will have to spend the next week or two stretching that pirformis of his day in and day out. Soon he will be swinging those hips like there’s no tomorrow. 

Just like everyone else, Iro The Hero is still injured and is out week to week. His injury is listed as a lower body but I guarantee you it has NOTHING to do with his little buttcheeks. If I’m Iro and I was feeling under the weather, I would try fake an injury to get myself on the IR until after Halloween too! The man is smarter than we realize. This gives him full access to weeks worth of candy, with a perfect excuse to eat it all! Now that Halloween is over, I would expect Iro to return to the lineup asap! 

Our poor intern, Kyla is one of the most injury prone people I’ve ever met. She’s had more injuries in the past two months than Brandon Davidson believe it or not. Kyla recently suffered a meniscus injury in her knee that has put her on the sideline of her hockey team for a few weeks now. 

This brings us to the past weekend where Kyla and a friend chose to play a little ball hockey to test out the ol’ knee while she played goal. Kyla ended up taking a slap shot right to the forehead, concussing her indefinitely. Was she wearing a helmet? No! Did she learn her lesson? Hopefully. I am happy to hear Kyla is okay, but let it be known that she is the centre of ALL jokes at Nation HQ right now for trusting somebody to “keep the shots low.” Many of us have played ball hockey with those stupid, hard, orange balls. They are not easy to control! 

In case you’re wondering if concussions affect cognitive function, I asked Kyla for a quote that I can put in my article. Here is what I got:

For any of YOUR injury needs, please contact our good friends at Capilano Rehab Centre or call (780) 466-1104. ✌️