Hello, Edmonton, it’s true, I was top dog back in the day. I’m 30 per cent journalist, 30 per cent Alberta beef, and 90 per cent hockey fan. Forty-seven years ago, the Oilers were about to join the NHL with three other teams from the WHA.

A reclusive millionaire who lived in the river valley came up with a crazy idea. He wanted a veteran sports writer to travel to the future. Of course, I jumped at the chance. I mean, my 45-year-old brain and ageless style could really help the fans. Scientists held clandestine meetings at Muttart Conservatory. It was a kind of pyramid scheme.

Then they built a hidden laboratory at the U of A, and they planned to cryogenically freeze me indefinitely. I wasn’t quite sure what “indefinitely” actually meant, but I was sure it would be fine. I’d watched tons of Disney movies where there were wild experiments and it always turned out well.

Now I’m back, and so far, things are going ok. I hear two superstars are now leading the Oilers and have come close to winning the Cup. Can’t believe that the organization has already won five. I believe that’s five more than Vancouver and four more than that team in Calgary.

After I was unfrozen, I set up a trailer down by the North Saskatchewan River, and I’m getting my bearings. Had an unfortunate incident with a faulty propane tank and a raccoon. But that could happen to anyone.

I’ve joined the great crew at Daily Faceoff Edmonton to write about the Oilers. The staff were stunned to hear about the whole cryo-freezing thing. But I told them I went to N.W.I.T. and was a pretty seasoned journalist. They hadn’t heard of the North Western Institute of Technology in Edson. I told them to trust me and forget about the fact that people refer to our graduates as nitwits.

This afternoon, members of DFO Edmonton took me to an old storage locker. All my belongings and my car were there. Perfectly preserved, under a layer of dust. My ’79 Trans Am is back, baby, so it looks like I’m not the only Firebird to rise from the ashes. People from the office helped me haul everything to my trailer. They set me up with something called an iPhone and a laptop. I was pretty surprised when the new phone started talking back to me like Charlie from Charlie’s Angels.

Driving around the city was eye-opening; it’s grown so much! I hear there’s over a million people living here now, that’s crazy. However, I was bummed out I couldn’t find any eight-track tapes for my car’s stereo, I guess I’ll have to use something called “Blue Tooth”?

On Wednesday, I visited the Oilers training camp, and I was blown away. The rink is wild! It looks as if a UFO from Close Encounters of the Third Kind has landed in downtown. And the team, where do I start? How do they skate like that? What voodoo has happened since I watched my last game?! Connor McDavid looks like Buck Rodgers out there, the guy is unreal! Even some of those big guys can move. This is a completely different league now. The last time I watched games, goalies weren’t as big or athletic either. Goals must be as hard to get as a ticket to a Van Halen concert.

Last night, I took in the first pre-season game of the year with the Oilers facing the Winnipeg Jets. Once again, I was taken aback by the pace. McDavid, Joseph, and Formenton are the fastest players I’ve ever seen. When the top guys had a shift, they looked like the Harlem Globetrotters out there. I think we might have a pretty decent lineup this year.

I was about to light up a cigar to celebrate the 5-2 win, when I was told smoking at the rink is frowned upon. Something about smoking permanently damaging people’s lungs: I guess things are a bit different now. After being asleep for almost 50 years, I can’t wait to see what else has changed.

Stay groovy, Oil Country.