So much has been said and pondered regarding the trade deadline (and what a lacklustre event that was). I really don’t think we’ll be saved with a new, shiny player. We have all the equipment; we just need to read the manual.

I can think of one thing that would benefit the team more than some adolescent, my-balls-just-dropped-yesterday hockey prodigy: it’s the same thing that always makes me feel better after a bad week or a nasty breakup… a makeover!

I know what you’re saying “Are you for real?” Yes. Yes I am.

Hear me out: maybe, just maybe, Stortini is lashing out and spending countless minutes in the penalty box due to his own insecurities. Maybe he just needs to take a yoga class or get a new pair of shoes—never underestimate the power of new shoes. Oh, and a haircut, definitely a haircut to balance out that neck of his. Boys like to feel pretty, too.

Matthew Roy… Oh boy, this could take a while. We need to go head-to-toe on you, mister. We need to take you in the direction of Vincent D’Onofrio in Law and Order, NOT Full Metal Jacket (“This is my stick. There are many like it, but this one is MINE”) Maybe a few sessions in a tanning bed could help as well. Pasty, pasty, not so tasty.

Mathieu Garon and Dustin Penner… Oh, who am I kidding? Penner with his dreamy, purdy eyes and that squinty smile. Delightful! Garon, with the smooth baldness of a young Michael Chiklis… you know you’re fine the way you are. Call me later?

My point is these guys aren’t playing hockey 24/7. They need lives, too. And with a little magic, a shopping spree and a good moisturizer they would be happier in everyday life and more beneficial to us on the ice.

I’m just sayin’.