Game 2 of the Stanley Cup Final is coming up in a few hours, and as much as I tried to have the thing cancelled, I regret to inform everyone that the series is still happening between Carolina and Vegas. That means Edmonton Oilers fans who are still interested in watching hockey are being asked to make the impossible decision between two teams that none of us want to see win anything. That’s why I put together this handy guide on how we Oilers fans can get through what is sure to be one of the more annoying Stanley Cup Finals that our boys aren’t even a part of.

On one side, you have the Golden Knights, a franchise that showed up what feels like five minutes ago, skipped the normal and expected expansion-team misery, won a Cup almost immediately, and has somehow continued to successfully operate like the salary cap is more of a suggestion than a rule. Part of me respects how they continuously build competitive teams like it’s their last day on earth because I can be a reasonable person from time to time, but that doesn’t mean I have to like watching them succeed when the rest of us have spent years praying for miracles and that we won’t get fleeced on trades.

On the other side, you have the Hurricanes, a team I have personally despised since 2006 and will continue to dislike until I flip them off one last time as my casket is being lowered into the ground. Carolina beat the Oilers in the Stanley Cup Final, Marc-Andre Bergeron drove Andrew Ladd into Dwayne Roloson, and even though that series happened long enough ago that some current NHL players weren’t even born yet, I reserve the right to keep my hatred alive for as long as I see fit. Some people grow and move on. I carry sports grudges with me for decades.

And with puck drop on Game 2 only hours away, I figured it was a good idea to put together an Oilers fan guide to hate-watching a Stanley Cup Final matchup that feels like it was designed in a lab to irritate Edmonton fans specifically.

Arguably, the smartest choice for any of us is to not watch at all, and I mean that sincerely. Go outside. Take your dog for a walk. Learn to write poetry and come up with the world’s prettiest Haikus. You could start a small herb garden or prune Bonsai trees. You could finally start checking off the horrible things on your life’s to-do list that have been sitting there for years. Hell, starting beef with your neighbour over some imaginary issue would probably be more fun. Any of these options would probably be better for your inner peace than sitting on the couch for three hours while Vegas and Carolina battle for the Stanley Cup, with the broadcast reminding you every 15 seconds how well-run both organizations are.

Unfortunately, I also know how many of you sickos are going to watch anyway because it’s the last hockey we’ll have for the next six months. So many of us will spend the day saying we don’t care who wins or that we’re not even watching, but so many of us will still end up watching because having a game on is just part of the routine at this time of year. The Oilers’ Cup runs created this habit for June hockey, and now we’re stuck needing the fix… at least, some of us do.

Since cheering for either team feels morally reprehensible, the best available option I can think of is to cheer for the game to get weird in a way that annoys everyone involved. I’m not talking about anything dangerous or guys getting hurt, but I do want to see chaotic bounces, goalie mistakes, a lack of power-play execution, shady offside reviews that take forever, and at least a handful of moments when both fan bases are losing their minds for completely different reasons. I want to see everyone stressed out.

Frankly, seeing everyone else suffer as much as we can is where the entertainment lives for Oilers fans in a series like this. We’re not watching this thing because we hope everyone is having a good time. We’re not here for beautiful games that flow back and forth nicely. We’re here for nonsense and mild irritation, with the hope that something happens to both teams that leaves everyone more annoyed than when they arrived. I mean, I’d even be down to see a little controversy that throws a black cloud over the whole thing. Am I petty? Yes. Am I telling the truth? Also yes.

Vegas is easy to hate because they operate in a way that’s so dark-side evil that there’s no one else in the league that can really compete. They came into the league as an expansion team, were immediately competitive, won a Stanley Cup shortly after, and have never even had a glimpse of the organizational misery most fanbases struggle with on an annual basis. That’s not how this is supposed to go. They were supposed to stink like the Kraken still do.

Meanwhile, we’ve been over here praying that PTOs, waiver claims, bottom-six experiments, and random middle-six wingers were going to be enough to push this thing over the edge. So when Vegas keeps finding ways to hang around near the top of the league, it’s not really hard to understand why the rest of us find them so annoying. They basically execute on all of the moves that the Oilers whiff on, and it’s driving me nuts.

Respect the hustle? I guess. Do I like it? Not even close.

Carolina is annoying in a much different way because the Hurricanes are good, structured, disciplined, and constantly praised for how they get things done. Whether they’re making good trades or signing key players that fill gaps, it feels like every time they do something, the hockey world is standing beside you with a clipboard explaining why they’re one of the best run organizations in the league. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to watch it. I don’t want to see them have success because I’m not sure we have the people in charge to even replicate it.

But for a grudge holder like me, the real issue with the Hurricanes still runs back to 2006. The Hurricanes already took one from us, and that loss is enough to make me wish them bad times forever. You can keep reminding me that the Game 7 loss happened 20 years ago, that the players are different, and that responsible adults should not still be mad about something that happened two decades ago, but that sounds like quitter talk to me. Sports grudges don’t have expiry dates just because some time has passed. At least, not for me.

The good news about this horrible situation is that you do not have to pick a team. None of us has to talk ourselves into liking either club, and we definitely don’t have to pretend that either outcome will feel good. But if you want to watch Game 2 because you’re into punishing yourself, finding ways to make it tolerable is key to keeping your hockey sanity. The result is going to sting either way, but I think we can take some of the hurt off if we factor in some of the ideas above.

Or, and I cannot stress this enough, you could go outside and do literally anything else. I’m not saying you have to do exercise or spend time with your family at a point in the spring when you’ve grown accustomed to ignoring them, but I am reminding you that there are no winners in this series. At least, not for Oilers fans. On one hand, we get to watch a team that beat us 20 years ago find success again before we could. On the other hand, there’s a divisional rival in the mix that would never let us hear the end of it. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, my friends. All I know for sure is that I’m glad we’re in this mess together.

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